Head, First, Down
by QuixoticAstronaut
Summary: Emily returns from volunteer work abroad in a war-torn country with a special little something, and no idea what to do with all she's seen. Now she just has to figure it all out.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: The Powerlessness**

_Nothing lasts forever,  
except you and me.  
Love will last forever,  
between you and me._

_I am a mountain,  
I am the sea,  
you can't take that away from me._

"Emily!" Katie's scream and laugh hopped over the heads of the other passengers flowing through the arrival gate. I found her head bobbing and her hand waving as she maneuvered herself towards me. "God, I can't believe you're here!" I adjusted my hip and the heaviness in my arms and finally found her. The faint breathing on my neck reminded me of the humid air back in Guatemala. I smiled despite it all.

Katie appeared out of nowhere, and her sudden tangibility actually scared me. To be so near to something I once knew better than myself, after a long absence, you realize you are clueless. There's this heaviness in that realization that you essentially start over, and will never be as good as you once were.

"Katie," I sighed, staring at her as if she were a mirage. I hadn't heard her voice in over two years. I hadn't seen her face in longer, except for a photograph that never ages, and leaves you with the feeling that you are simply looking at someone who never existed.

"Come here," she grabbed me before I could object. Her arms were strong and clung tightly, so I stood there, allowing myself to be hugged, allowing myself to sink into her shoulder slowly, afraid to commit to it completely just yet, because though it was familiar, it was not at the same time. That flavor you can't quite remember from when you were a kid that your favorite great aunt used to make cookies. The one you can't replicate. But as the seconds crept along, I let myself taste. I smelled like I'd been traveling as long as I had, but the usually meticulous sister of mine didn't seem to mind as much. "I've been so worried. I thought I'd never see you again," she sighed, rubbing my back with one arm. She squeezed. She hushed. She soothed sweetly and calmly and ferociously.

"I told you I'd be back," I tried to scold her for worrying. I tried to make her laugh and not seem so set on my demise.

"You can't blame me for not believing you," she smiled, pulling back finally. I watched her eyes search my face. She ran her hand along my forehead, thumbing the stitches in one corner, pushing away my dirty hair. I watched her mouth grow tight and her nostrils flare once, twice. Finally, she met my eyes and gave me a small smile while nodding to herself. "And you definitely didn't mention that you were bringing someone back with you." Her arm, which had since been wrapped around the little girl in my arms, dropped away slightly.

I hadn't had much time to fill Katie in on the finer points of my return home during the five minute phone call with a gun to my back and a mercenary hissing in my ear. These are things that happen.

"Didn't really get a chance," I shrugged. "She's just..." I adjusted the toddler once again. "I couldn't. I promised." Katie looked at us both quizzically. I could see her trying to understand, and I loved that. She had grown immensely. I wondered what else changed, what stayed, what was forgotten, and what would be discovered, now.

"Let's go get your luggage, and we'll talk at home." She ran her hands up my arms. She looked at me again, identically, waiting to see, pausing to hear if I changed my mind and instead would fill her in on everything. You can practically see the urges in people's muscles and jerks betwixt synapses if you're willing to look and ignore them.

I hitched the backpack on my shoulder and looked at her sheepishly.

"I don't have any luggage," I muttered shamefully. Katie just nodded again.

"We will stop and get you a few things," Katie explained while we drove out of the parking garage of the airport. "You're going to need a jacket, and a car seat," she looked at the little girl in my lap, wrapped in some stranger from the plane's sweatshirt. I hoped she would sleep, but she was probably hungry, and scared, and rightly so to both.

"Charlie," I offered. "Her name is Charlie."

"That's no-" she started.

"I didn't pick it, her mother did," I stopped her before she could complain.

"You're not...?" she eyed me again and snapped back to the road after I shook my head. I watched her think a million thoughts. It was nice to try to figure her out again. It was nice to be distracted by her, and simply be at ease in her presence. I realized that's what this was. I hadn't felt in so long, it was as foreign as everything else felt.

"I'll explain later," I sighed, not wanting to get into it as we pulled into a shopping center. The fellow cars, the paved roads, the people, the prices, the air, the cold, the clouds, the everything. I understood what deer felt like before semis.

Katie stayed quiet while we went inside and I amazed myself with fluorescence and rows of products. I dragged my feet with anxiety and worry draining my muscles. Charlie clung to me a little more, but stayed quiet still, big brown eyes roving weakly, hand locked on the collar of my shirt.

"Everyone was waiting for you at ours," Katie started awkwardly as she grabbed a cart and directed us around the store. "But I texted Mum that you were tired, and we should try again tomorrow." I was relieved. I wanted to curl into bed and never get out of the sheets. I wanted to ask Katie to talk louder, because it was all so loud to me, but didn't. I let the noise and lights and shelves scrub me raw.

"Thank you," I affirmed as she started to throw things into the cart. I recognized my favorite shampoo and soap. She got us both toothbrushes. She filled the buggy with thoughtful things.

"We will go shopping soon enough," she decided as we strolled. I watched her sneak glances at Charlie, chew her tongue, swallow questions. I could see them all practically throwing themselves against her teeth violently. But she'd gulp them down and continue forward.

We spent about an hour grabbing what she thought we'd need. It was nice, to be taken care of again. She was a big sister. This was as easy as tying her shoes. She was born to take care of me, and she was. It was almost astounding, when you think about it. How simply genetics and blood make you bound.

"This looks new, Ems," Katie nudged her head towards the dark blue Chelsea jacket around Charlie. My arms were tired, but refused to let go. She'd meld to my side at this rate, but that was neither here nor there.

"The girl next to me on the plane gave it to her," I explained. "I think she dazzled her with these eyes," I kissed her forehead, making her blink.

"Because they're gorgeous," Katie explained. "Look at bit like yours, honestly. That's why I thought... But hers are near green mostly. Just the brown in there a bit when they're dilated."

"They're something," I agreed quietly as Katie payed.

Night was starting to creep in behind the clouds as we drove towards Katie's apartment. Though she bought a carseat, Charlie stayed in my lap, and it in its box. I stared up at windows from the car, curious as to everything that was happening behind the windows that glowed like street lamps, making connect-the-dots up the brick sides. Someone's entire life was happening, right there.

"This is it," Katie pulled into a garage and put in a number so the gate opened and we drove under the building. "Home." It was nicer than I remember our old flat being before I left. She also had a better job now then before I left, and less of a mooching boyfriend.

"Are you sure there's enough room?" I asked again, though it was probably too late. "I could go home." I didn't much know where that was, but I knew I didn't want to impose despite the ache in my bones.

"Shut up," Katie rolled her eyes and parked in a spot that I assumed corresponded to her flat number. "I have a spare. It's yours. You are home."

With that she turned off the car and we grabbed the bags. Charlie raised her head and looked about fearfully.

"She's quiet," Katie acknowledged as the lift ascended. "Haven't heard a peep since I picked you up."

"She doesn't talk," I explained. "Hasn't yet. Doesn't really make sounds either. We're not sure why..." I just looked at the little girl.

"Well, Auntie Katie is here now, and we will get everything straightened, okay?" she asked Charlie, who just looked about the lift a bit more when we stopped on her floor. She'd never been on a lift before, and I just realized how terrifying it must be. Again, I realized how unprepared I was for this. I'd been reminded repeatedly all day. First the stranger on the plane proving that I hadn't thought to even keep her warm. Second, Katie realizing she would need to brush her teeth. Now this.

"Auntie Katie?" I followed her to her door.

"Well, yeah, right?" she asked, pushing it open. She flicked alight on a second later and I decided not to argue with her.

Her flat was nice, and completely Katie in a way. The living room was bordered with a wall of windows that were illuminated by the city skyline, now a nightlight in the dark. The kitchen opened up into it, and she heaved the bags on the table in the dinning room across from it.

"Come on, let me show you where your room is, and the bathroom," she walked towards the hall and I followed after setting my bags with hers. "This is yours," she beamed, swinging open a door. Although she had moved since our last place together, everything in my room from before was there. She'd stored it, but now, my comforter was on the big bed. My pictures were framed on my wardrobe.

I walked inside slowly, taking it all in just as swiftly.

"I had Mum and Cook get some of your stuff from storage when you called," she explained. I opened the closet and found my shoes, my shirts, my jeans, still in their boxes, but there, nonetheless. "We unpacked what we could, but didn't have much time. Figured you want some of your own stuff after everything."

"I didn't..." I turned back to find her standing with an apprehensive smile in the door, waiting. "I did not expect this," I blurted, flabbergasted.

"Welcome home, Ems," she softened. "I've been waiting near three years to say that." I took a big breath. Followed by another. And another. "Let's get some food and settle you guys in a bit, yeah?" I weakly nodded and shifted my gaze to the window that looked out over the water. It was beautiful. It made me homesick, for something.

"The bathroom is right down the hall a bit," she pointed as I followed her back to the kitchen. "The next door is the office. My room is at the other side of the living room."

"This is amazing, Katie, really," I tried to not sound surprised that she could accomplish all of this.

"Things have been going pretty good," she agreed modestly. "Now, how about I feed Miss Charlie, and you go shower. You kind of reek." There it was. I'm sure that was killing her to hold in more than anything else.

I looked at Charlie. I twirled her blonde curl. I gulped.

"Come on," she motioned to the girl. "I have yummy pizza for you." Charlie looked at me. "And Mama needs to go shower, so you can hop in next." We both froze as Katie took a step and let her hands drop slightly, though still reaching.

"I'm not sure," I hesitated.

"Emily," she looked at me sternly. "You're safe." She lifted Charlie. "She's safe." Slowly, my arms fell and became aware of how empty they were, and tired from the day. "Go shower." We stood and stared at each other. Charlie searched both of our faces, no doubt aware of the similarities. Katie was the first to turn away, again, slowly. I watched her carry Charlie into the kitchen and open the fridge. The girl did not cry or jump back into my arms. I nodded and retreated to the bathroom.

I let the door click shut and soon found myself mechanically turning on water and stripping the clothes from my body. Standing before the mirror, I came to realize why Katie had to trace my face to know it was truly me. My eyes were held down by grey bags, attesting to the exhaustion I felt. My hip bones had grown more prominent, my hair dull, gritty. I didn't recognize much of myself. I stepped into the warm spray of water and felt each muscle relax. I tried to think about how I ended up here, with Charlie, that she was mine, forever now, and was I ready or did that matter? I boiled my skin. Scrubbed with soap until I was tingling and burning and scalded to another layer of dermis. I washed my hair three times, hoping it would bring back some of the red, but knowing it was darker now until I dyed it again. I stood there, naked and defeated, trying not to move.

Eventually, I turned off the water, dressed a pair of old sweats Katie set out, and toweled my hair while walking towards the kitchen. Other than an open box of pizza, it was empty. I grabbed a slice and followed the noise of running water to Katie's bathroom across the flat. I ate the pizza eagerly, wanting a second as I reached the bathroom.

Katie looked over her shoulder and smiled at me as Charlie splashed and smiled in her big tub.

"How was your shower?" she turned back to soaping up the wash cloth.

"Wonderful," I sighed, leaning against the door. I didn't notice how much better I felt to see Charlie smile. But there she was, and there it was, firmly planted between two dimples I'd forgotten. And there were those eyes, under a curly mess of shampoo-bubbled hair. And there was the nose, and the chin, and those cheeks. And she was safe and happy and alive and I felt happy, for the moment. I felt happy.

"We had some pizza," Katie informed me, scrubbing shoulders and elbows while Charlie tried to swim about the water. "She quite liked it."

"Good," I agreed.

"You know," Katie turned, pushing the hair on her head and grabbing a cup to rinse Charlie's hair. "You're quiet too." I nodded and yawned.

"I'm sorry," I offered. "Give me a day to get sorted." She nodded and went back to washing.

"We're going to have some long talks, aren't we?" she cooed at Charlie. "We are going to get everything sorted out, and I'm going to take you to find the most adorable outfits, and we'll go to the zoo, and everything, yeah?" Charlie played, obliviously.

I watched Katie with her and wondered how I got this job. I didn't know what I was doing and my sister was a natural.

She pulled the plug and hugged Charlie in a giant fuzzy towel. Her eyes met mine over Katie's shoulder and a tiny hand reached for me, followed by another. Fingers grabbed and begged.

"Hi," I lifted her from Katie. I buried my nose in her hair and felt the warm baby smell all over my sense. "Hi, darling girl." I left Katie in the bathroom and carried her to our new room.

"You smell good," I affirmed, laying her on the bed. "We both do," I added. "We've come a ways, huh?" I dried her off and earned a smile. "I promised that I'd get you safe and keep you happy, and I will do my best," I promised. "I don't know what I'm doing." I slipped a shirt over her head and sat on the bed, pulling her into my lap. "But from now on, it's you and me, kid." I brushed her hair.

Charlie dozed in my lap as I brushed and talked.

"You and me," I repeated, making it truth for myself. "Are you ready to sleep now?"

Charlie woke as I moved to pull down the sheets. She shuffled out of my arms, and for the first time walked about the flat. She looked around and turned to me sadly. She made a grabbing motion in the air.

"What do you want, Charlie?" I asked helplessly. She furrowed her brow and grabbed harder.

"Hey Ems, where are your other clothes?" Katie came in a second later in nearly matching sweats and ready for bed. "I will send for laundry tomorrow with this," she held up the jacket. Charlie tottled over and grabbed at it.

"I think that's hers now," I smiled as Katie gave it to her. I scooped up Charlie and hugged her while tumbling into bed. She giggled that charming little girl giggle. "Time for us to sleep now, huh?" I asked as she shimmied into the middle, hugging the jacket to her side like a security blanket.

Katie slid into the other side of the bed.

"What?" she asked as I gave her a glance.

"Nothing," I shook my head and smiled. She turned out the light a second later. "Leave it on, please," I asked, and she snapped it back on quickly.

"I'm sorry," she supplied. "Is Charlie afraid of the dark?"

I rubbed her back soothingly and shook my head, not looking at my twin. I held Charlie a bit closer, shamefully.

"I saw many things," I whispered as we settled into the pillows. Katie looked me over with pity. I hated it.

"Today has been surreal," Katie whispered as well. It felt like we were seven, and still crawled into each other's bed to stay up after bedtime. "We will figure it out. Together. You're home now, Emsy. I was so afraid," she shook her head and closed her eyes. "I'm so happy you're home."

"I am in over my head," I acknowledged. I kissed Charlie's head. "I have been for a while now, honestly."

"Do you want me to push Mum back til next week?" she offered. I nodded eagerly. "That'll buy you some time."

We laid there, I rubbed Charlie's back, and Katie just tried to figure it all out for herself.

"I'm in way over my head," I repeated.

"Yeah," she agreed sleepily. "You really are."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Cliché**

_All is whole in the end,  
You carried on,  
And wounds will mend,  
To save your soul,  
To save yourself._

The sun was shining when I woke, or nearly woke. Or the sun woke me as I slept. Or I became aware of the sun as it burned my eyelids and I grumbled against it by ducking into the pillow. That was all I thought about for a few minutes, how to burrow into the blanket and pillows and wring out five more minutes of this mind-numbingly sweet sleep. But sleepy brains always wake up, eventually, and usually by things they weren't expecting. Yesterday, there was a gun in my face. Today, the same fear shot through me as I found myself breathing in the smell of cinnamon and vanilla. Waking up is sometimes a terrible responsibility, but we all have to do it often.

"Charlie?" I yelled as I sat up in the bed I realized was empty. I threw the jacket on the floor and stumbled over my sheet-tangled legs to find her. "Oomph," I hit the ground hard, and continued to kick against the net of blankets until I was free. "Charlie?" I threw open the door and looked around. "Charlie?" Again, to no answer. The stitches in my head were throbbing. I ignored it. The bruises on my wrists hurt as I braced myself on the wall and waited in the quiet. My body was practically falling apart at the seams. I was a teddy bear with sewn joints and connections, thread barely holding on at this point.

The sun streamed through the windows in the living room, and the flat looked different than I remembered in my arrival haze the night before, but even now I didn't make much more notice of things. I sprinted towards Katie's room as best I could with my aching and newly bruised knee.

"Charlie? Katie?" I called to the bed and empty room. I wanted to bang my head against the wall, but instead I checked the bathroom and closets and knook and cranny. Slowly I retreated to living room, hazy. I waited in the silence. The apartment was quiet. Singularly quiet. The quiet that comes when you are the only living thing around in a house.

There's a beauty to silence amidst chaos. I was still. I did not move in the very still room despite every atom my of being throbbing with questions and fear. I'd known fear. It'd become a good friend of mine. One, I'm not ashamed to say, I neglected and ignored and instead let visit me in the middle of the night, or when I was looking into those pretty and curious eyes. It wasn't bravery, but simply living. People can survive anything, when they are simply acquainted with fear and mildly neglectful of her. I think it was Charlie. I wasn't afraid for me. I was for her. I could be bound and beaten and threatened because I had lived, and I knew the world was terrible. But she didn't, and she had those eyes that could change everything for everyone. Goodness. Her parents were good. She would be good. I hoped.

But in the silence, where my mind raced across the ocean, and I saw pictures I tried to forget, and suddenly Charlie was in one of those piles having dirt thrown over her body. But it was so terribly quiet, the world wouldn't have known. Someone said we have universes inside of us. You wouldn't know that with all of the silence that parades sometimes, vindictively.

I thought about where Charlie was. I was afraid she was crying. I was afraid she was lost in the city. In the quiet, I didn't know what to think, because I was thinking too much, because it was too quiet. I wanted to run through the streets searching for Charlie.

I stared out into the day. I could have moved closer and looked out the window at the people and cars pulsating around the arterial streets and alleys going about business that I didn't understand and had nothing to do with anymore, but where I realized I would have to go to start my life again. I almost did. I almost gazed into the other windows that were hiding other lives, that were hiding other people who were frozen in the middle of the living room aching to move to the windows to find other people frozen as well. My heart didn't move, nor did my lungs swell to full capacity, but I simply thought about Charlie and wondered if this is what my life is now.

When I could move again, I shuffled back into my bedroom and covered up slowly, grabbing the jacket and returning to my position. The noises came then, rapidly. A bus honked. Car doors slammed. The daily hum of life in the city droned on a steady frequency just below me, and I was thankful for it.

For some reason I found myself unsure of how I got here, to this bed, to this state, to this moment. You can have those, sometimes, I think. When you become obscenely aware of where you are in relation to where you were. Nearly three years ago I simply got on a plane because there was a place where I could go and help, that wasn't here. I didn't want to apply to school. I didn't want to have a career. I just wanted to go away. Somehow I ended up in a war, and taking care of a kid, who now was mine. Legally. Papers and all. I had seen things. I had heard things. I had done things. And now all I wanted to do was go back to three years ago, yank myself away from the plane, tell myself to find a major, go to uni, settle down, and never have gone. I could be nearly graduating. I could be studying for finals before winter break. I could be applying to internships. I should be worried about jobs. I was worried about Charlie. I was afraid of everything.

I adjusted the jacket and squeezed it tighter. I unzipped the pockets and searched inside. A piece of gum and shopping list were in one pocket. I read it as if it would tell me whose coat this belonged to, or where to find them. It was organized in the most ridiculous way. Efficient. Broken down by shops, the butcher, the market, the grocery. The handwriting was even more precise. Cursive and slanted and tiny. I held it close to my face and squinted to read it.

The other pocket just had a pen inside. A small coat of arms and the name of a restaurant were in gold on the side; The Black Stag.

The door flew open as I clicked the pen a few times, and I saw tiny arms crawling up the bed. A tiny body followed, bundled in a tiny jacket, with eyes and hair nearly covered with a tiny hat.

"Hello," I smiled, hugging her to me. "Did Auntie Katie get you new clothes? It's not even snowing yet, and you're bundled for the tundra." Charlie squinted her nose and ran it along mine, fiercely shaking her head. "I was scared," I hugged her tighter. "I love you." I hugged her tighter. She wiggled and her pale cheeks grew red. The noise disappeared again, and I was lost in her tiny world.

"Still in bed?" Katie followed a few minutes later, arms full of bags. "We had a big day already, right, Charlie?" Charlie struggled with mittened hands to take off her hat. I helped and threw it in the pile where the jacket and the contents of the pockets fell.

I unzipped her coat and found her wearing new clothes.

"Katie," I warned. "Stop spending money." She shook her head and started emptying the bags of clothes for me. "Hey, look at me," I stated, picking up Charlie, setting her aside, and standing. "I can't pay you back right now, and I don't know when I will, and you can't spend money."

"You need clothes," she stated, looking me in the eye challengingly. "I have some money. I won't spend what I can't afford."

"You shouldn't have taken her without telling me," I started again. I pulled her arm towards the hall. "I was worried sick."

"Ems, you have to relax," she said. She was not condescending. She was honest, and strong and proud. "I fed her. She likes fruit, but is not a fan of eggs. She hates toast without jam. Not a fan of bacon. Likes oatmeal, especially with bananas."

"I was worried," I repeated, my only defense. "I knew she was fine, deep down. I knew," I looked at her clicking the pen in the bed quietly. "I knew it. But I can't explain it. There was this... fear... in my lungs."

"I'm sorry," she relented, unenthusiastically. We stared at each other. Charlie hugged my leg in the silence. "I'm here now," Katie promised.

"I know." I picked up Charlie and kissed her cheeks with raspberries. "I've just got a lot to figure out, suddenly." Her tiny hands played with my necklace. "Yes I do, huh?"

"Go get dressed," Katie reached up for Charlie. "We are going to Mum's for dinner, and after, you and me are drinking and figuring out what you're going to do now."

"I want to spend some time with Charlie," I smiled at her. "We'll meet you at Mum's for dinner, but we're going on our own." I went back into the room and started to change. "I need an afternoon with her here."

"You know," Katie started as I slipped on a pair of jeans she bought. "You're different."

"I know," I nodded. I didn't know. I felt terribly similar.

"I have work tomorrow," she tried again. "But I was thinking about taking off and then maybe going shopping for some toys."

"Go to work," I shook my head as I grabbed a shirt. "We will go to the grocery store, and I still have some money left in my account."

"I won't work long," she promised. "I'm sort of addicted to this thing already," she hugged Charlie. She smiled, and those dimples came out hard.

The day was easy. Charlie busied herself quietly with paper and crayons, coloring quietly while Katie and I folded clothes and sorted my old ones, making a big pile for donations. She asked me about my trip. I told her some. She wanted to ask about Charlie, but I think she was more afraid of those answer. Finally, I convinced her to do some work in her office, and I sat with Charlie, simply drawing silly pictures.

Today was different that the past three years. Today was calm, and I was not afraid. Today everything would have been wiped out back in the city I'd been, as was promised. People would be dying and wounded, and I was here now. Charlie giggled a little. I got that.

I set her up with a bowl of cheerios and lounged on the couch, deciphering the shopping list, it practically resting on my nose as my eyes squinted. I clicked the pen nervously.

"Would you like to go for a walk, darling?" I watched Charlie play with her food. She just looked at me with those eyes for a second, and went back to being quiet. "Alright," I agreed. I slipped on shoes, and found hers. "Katie!" I yelled, grabbing our coats. "We're going for a walk."

"Do you want me to go with you?" she called back.

"No," I buttoned Charlie's buttons, kissing her nose when I was done. "I just want to go."

"Dinner's at six."

The afternoon had a bite to it. It was a little harsher than the October I remembered. Charlie's cheeks grew red like apples. We walked down the street. I watched her take in the world, and then I took it in again with her. The city was continuing, different and similar to what I left behind, and what I noticed had changed and grown. I walked us down similar streets, and tried to tell myself that this was my life now.

"We'll figure this out, right?" I thought out loud as we turned down another street. I adjusted Charlie in one arm and the jacket in another. "Here's what I think," I continued. "We take you for a check up. How does that sound?" Charlie just played with my hair and laid her head on my shoulder. "You won't like it, but we will get you some shots. You're mom was ridiculously insistent on you being very safe. And I will find a job," I tried. I had no idea how to do that. "I have no real skills, but I will find something, and in a few months, hopefully by Christmas, we'll be in our own place. You'll have your own room. And Christmas," I stopped, realizing I was walking down the road the wrong direction. "You've never had a true Christmas. We'll get a tree, and decorate it. And you will love it. And start talking, right?" I waited for her to answer.

The last Christmas we had, Charlie's parents were there. We didn't have snow. We had lockdown, and the school that I worked out had become a rescue camp. I learned how to do stitches. I learned how to be a nurse because there was nothing else I could do except help. I learned how to shoot a gun.

We stopped in front of the pub on the corner. We both stared up at the painted sign hanging over the door.

"What do you say we start this whole life thing out right?" I asked as I handed Charlie the last bit of currency I had. She held it in her tiny fist.

We walked into the dim pub, both reluctant and unknowing.

"We're closed," a lanky girl said dismissively as she heaved a large create of clankling glass bottles.

"I know," I lied. I hadn't honestly thought of that. "I just found a pen in a jacket, and I need to square up with the jacket owner. I figured they must have been here." She turned her eyes on me and squinted her eyebrows.

"Lots of people steal our pens," she informed me. That made sense too. "And ever since the write-up, we've been swamped."

"I know this sounds ridiculous," I took a step towards the bar, and put Charlie on the edge. "But I was on a plane, and someone gave my..." I looked at Charlie, who simply stared right at me. "Well, my neighbor, she let us borrow her coat," I started again, turning back to the barkeep's blue eyes. "And I would really love to give it back," I sighed, pulling the things I found from the pocket. "But this one," I nudged towards Charlie, who sat quietly in her own world. "It's become a bit of a safety blanket." I put the list and gum and pen on the counter. "Do you know any Chelsea fans who might have come in here and stolen a pen?"

The bartender looked me over with an amused, yet curious glance. She looked over Charlie. She looked over my whole being it felt, while she braced herself around the crate. Finally she looked down at the list and pen and gum.

"I'll be right back," she took the list with her and disappeared through a door behind the bar with no other explanation. Charlie handed me the money. I handed it back. She smiled, and handed it back to me.

"Even if nothing comes of it," I talked to her, even though she didn't care. "At least we can say we tried, right?" I started to take off her mittens and hat so she didn't overheat.

The girl appeared a little later, smiling to herself.

"Can I get you guys some drinks?" she asked. "Whiskey Sour for this one?" she nodded towards Charlie. "Juice for you?"

"She's a gin girl," I took a seat finally. "But we're driving," I lied, "so maybe keep them virgin."

"Two apple juices, coming up," she started to pull out glasses. In a second she handed me two cups.

"Here, little one," I held the straw for her to drink from. "You like it, huh?" I asked as she smiled and tried to hold the cup herself. She stopped and pushed it towards me, holding it for me to drink. "Mmm, it is good." She nodded happily.

"She's adorable," the barkeeper offered, wiping the counter and pushing the crate down a few feet. "What's her name?"

"This is Charlie," I supplied, unable to take my eyes off of her. "And I'm Emily."

"Effy," she put her hand out and I shook it.

The door behind her opened once again, and our neighbor from the plane came through. She wiped her forehead with the towel tucked in her apron around her waist. Her blonde hair flew away awkwardly, but stayed in its pony tail.

"Well this is convenient," I smiled happily. "I guess even employees steal the pens," I laughed towards Effy.

"She's the boss, actually," she leaned in slightly, conspiratorially.

"Hello," the girl offered nervously. "Sorry to keep you, I was peeling, and I had to finish."

"Not a problem," I shook her hand awkwardly.

"Thank you for bringing me my shopping list," she started, not quite meeting my eyes very often. "But like I said on the plane, you can keep the jacket. It's really no problem." She looked at Effy, who nodded and smiled for her. I barely remembered the flight, to be honest.

"I couldn't give it back to you, even if you wanted," I promised. "Charlie loves it for some reason." The blonde's blue eyes followed mine to the little girl sipping the juice. "But I did want to pay you for the trouble. You have the money, love?" I asked the little girl. She handed it to me again. "I'm not sure how much it's worth, but I hope this is enough," I reached across the bar to hand it to her. She shook her head and stepped back slightly.

"Not necessary," she shook her head more, still not meeting my eyes. My hand faltered.

"Listen, it's fine, and I'm sorry, but I can't just take your jacket," I repeated sternly.

"My list was helpful enough," she stated firmly. "That's all I needed. You can even keep the pen. I have thousands." I looked towards the barkeep who just shrugged and elbowed the chef. She met my eyes a second later. "I want you to keep the jacket, no charge, okay?" She looked down again.

"Thank you..." I trailed off awkwardly.

"You're welcome," she answered mechanically.

"Naomi," Effy started. "Emily and Charlie were just having some apple juice, and I was about to ask them about their flight, would you like to join us?"

"I have to finish prepping."

"It was nice to meet you, Naomi," I offered. "Thank you again for the jacket. It means a lot."

"It's just a jacket," she nodded to herself. "They're not even that good this year." I laughed slightly. I saw her smile slightly and meet my eyes for a second. She looked at Charlie, who absently played with my zipper.

"You know," Effy poured us more juice, this time with two new cups. "The sous will be in soon to help prep. Come hang out in the front for a bit, Noams."

I watched her look torn, turning towards the door and back to Effy. She reminded me of a tamed lion, debating whether or not to simply sit atop the pyramid as the ringmaster wanted, or lazily nap in a corner.

"One drink," she relented. "I have to be careful, I will be using sharp instruments soon. Can't be sauced." She smiled to herself. I laughed despite myself.

We spent the next half hour making small talk. Something about her presence was astounding and distracting. She held Charlie's cup at one point. At another, she simply was quiet, and Effy asked me a few easy questions that I tried to answer as best I could. A while later, and Charlie had a tiny origami elephant made from the money I asked her told hold, hoping she'd forget it at the bar 'accidentally.' Charlie smiled and placed it infront of my face to see. She made me kiss it, then went to playing with it on her knee.

"I can't believe you were there for three years," Effy leaned on the bar, head in her hand, looking at me intently. "It sounded horrible from the news." I just nodded. "And you just got back yesterday?" I nodded again. "What could you even be thinking?"

"Everything and nothing, simultaneously," I promised. She laughed. Other people came in, said hello, and went to the kitchen. "Would you mind if I took her to the bathroom, and then took off? Wouldn't want to keep you from work, or put you behind schedule."

"The loo's in the back," Naomi offered.

"Thanks," I picked up Charlie. "We'll just get out of your hair. Thank you again for the jacket, and tiny elephant." Effy collected our glasses and nodded.

"It was nice to talk to you," Effy responded with a clink of the glasses in the sink. "Don't be a stranger. I could use more juice dates in my life."

"I could make you some dinner," Naomi nearly shouted as I turned. "I mean," she calmed, looking up at me anxiously. "It's getting late, and I'm sure Charlie is hungry. I could make something before the rush even gets here. You probably don't even have food at your place, or hotel. It could be a hot meal."

"I couldn't be a bother," I insisted. I had a dinner to go to, albeit one I was dreading completely.

"It wouldn't be," she promised. "Right?" she asked Effy.

"When she offers to cook, you take her up on it," she warned me. "Trust me."

I met Naomi's eyes. They were so pale it was like the sky on the hottest summer day, frozen in the middle of the coldest winter. She waited eagerly.

"We can eat in my office, right Ef?" Naomi turned to her for salvation. "You have the other girl here, right?" Effy nodded.

"Okay," I agreed. "If it's no problem."

"None," Naomi reiterated.

I took Charlie to the bathroom, and returned to find just Effy at the bar.

"Naomi is in the kitchen, but follow me to her office in back," she motioned, leaving a rag on the bar. I followed, wondering how I got to be where I was.

We walked through the kitchen. I saw Naomi working on stirring something in a small pot. She barely acknowledge our presence but nudged and smiled with another chef who worked near her. I watched her taste what he was making and start to correct. He listened so eagerly, I knew she had to be great.

The office was tidy and small, though oddly enough, everything I could have imagined. Books of every type were stacked everywhere. Neatly though. Pillars atop filing cabinets. A bookshelf full. A chair full of them. Another table stacked, row upon row haphazardly towards the ceiling. The desk sat against the window looking into the kitchen, and was remarkably neat. The daily open and marked in tiny red corrections. A laptop pushed to the side, and a new stack, this time of spiral notebooks, nearly a foot high and peaking towards the window. A coffee table in the middle had more books that Effy simply piled on the table. I took a seat on the small couch. It was clear, save for a backpack and jacket I assumed were Naomi's.

"Make yourself comfortable," she offered. "Office picnics are my favorite dinners." I helped Charlie take off her coat to make her more comfortable. We heard pots and metal-on-metal moving through the kitchen. I took my coat off as well. "We used to have them pretty often, at least until we got so busy. Let me go get some drinks. What would you like, little lady?" she knelt beside Charlie. She just looked back at me helplessly.

"How about milk?" I answered for her. Effy stood.

"And for you?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I haven't had a Coke in a long while." Effy smiled and nodded, disappearing into the kitchen. I watched her slender form walk out towards the refrigerator in one corner. She talked with Naomi, who agonized over a plate and spooning something correctly. She shook her head and her lips grew tight. She shrugged as Effy continued to chatter, not noticing her reaction.

"What a weird day, huh?" I asked Charlie, who still played with her tiny elephant. "Auntie Katie will be mad at me. But you don't care about that. You are just so cute, everyone wants to take care of you. And they think of everything before I even get a chance. Add that to the list. We're going to get into a routine."

"She's not much of a talker, huh?" Effy returned. I shook my head.

"I can't really blame her," I shrugged and took the cup from her hand. She set the milk on the table, and put a 2-liter on the table for us.

"Naomi's almost done with dinner," she averted the subject.

"It smells good," I offered. Effy smiled proudly, as if she had done it herself. We were quiet. "I hope I didn't offend her, by offering to pay for the jacket. It just felt like the right thing to do, and I'd hate to be moocher."

"Not at all," Effy promised, pouring our cups. "Naomi is... she truly appreciates honor. And it was a very honorable thing to do."

"I don't know about honorable," I laughed. "Just trying to start out on the right foot."

"To the right foot," Effy handed me a glass. "May the left follow forward."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: The Dinner**

**_If I know only one thing,  
it's that everything that I see_  
_of the world outside is so inconceivable  
often I barely can speak._  
_I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself_  
_What good is it to sing helplessness blues,  
why should I wait for anyone else?_**

"How mad was Mum?" I asked after Katie stopped ranting.

"Pretty," she sighed, handing me a glass filled with wine. "But she'll get over it." Katie rejoined me on the couch. We were well into our second bottle. Charlie was tucked away safely in my bed, belly full of delicious food Naomi had made for us.

Katie hadn't reacted like I thought she would. I assumed she'd be on a warpath, but instead found it quite funny. She thought I was brave for just not showing up, but really I was just preoccupied.

The evening had been wonderful. Effy was charming and entertaining to a ridiculous degree. She liked to talk and tell stories with her hands. She had a mothering effect on Naomi, prompting her to do things, offering, saying things, and all in all simply making everyone feel more at ease. I learned a lot about her, and how bartending simply paid the bills while she went to school to get her degree in psychology. She said it was good practice, to listen to people complain and get paid for it. She'd been friends with Naomi since birth practically, which explained their working dynamic. I almost envied their friendship, until I realized it was simply familiar to me in Katie, and understood it better.

Naomi was still an unknown. She cooked and was happy to do so, but when she was asked questions that weren't about the food or easy to answer about the restaurant, more pointedly, about herself, she was quiet. She played with Charlie, but her food up into small pieces like I did, filled her cup, was gracious and kind and sweet in giving us an amazing dinner and yet so humble and dismissive of any praise or complements. It all passed like a dream. Effy made me promise to visit again with Charlie, and I honestly thought I would. My friends from school were all off at uni or married. It was nice, to meet nice people.

"They were both very sweet," I promised Katie. "You'll have to go over with me one day for lunch."

"That sounds like fun," she admitted, sipping softly. "I'm glad you had a nice afternoon."

"And Charlie really got along with them," I remembered, feeling a bit wobbly in my head, despite being seated. "You should have seen her, Katie. She was smiling up a storm."

"That's good. Much better than with Mum," she sighed. "I didn't tell her yet, by the way. Figured I'd leave that up to you, or she'd be banging down my door to get a look for herself."

I groaned and let my head lean against the back of the couch.

"I started your list," Katie began a few seconds later, a few gulps of my glass later. She pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it. I scooted towards her to share it. "Hold it, let me get a pen to continue."

I started to read it while she scampered towards the office.

"One," I began. "Doctor's for a check-up and psych referral." I stalled on the last two words. I drank more wine like a drinking game.

"For both of you," Katie came back in and resumed her spot.

"I'm not crazy," I mumbled into my glass.

"I know," she nodded, snatching back the list. "But you're sure as hell not well." I shrugged an acquiescence. "And Charlie isn't even talking yet. She should be."

"Charlie is _not_ slow," I snapped ferociously.

"No one's saying she is," my twin sassed back. "But, Ems, it's not normal, and it might be physiological, or it might be trauma. But we need to be prepared for whatever she may need in the future."

I felt the tension grow in my shoulders. I felt it strangle the base of my neck. I was on my heckles.

"We?" I asked. I felt my snarl. I felt disgusted. "There isn't a 'we'."

"There is," she stated simply. "I'm here, Emily. I'm here for whatever you need. You left me, and I thought I lost you forever. And I was a fucking bitch and horrible to you growing up half the time. I'm not going to let you deal with everything on your own again."

"She's my responsibility, Katie," I argued. "She's mine. She's mine and no one else's. She's mine. She's mine. They gave her me. They gave her me and it's us. I didn't know what else to do."

"Hey, shhh," she soothed. My glass made it to the table somehow. Her arms went around me. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," I pushed away slightly. She held on tighter. We sat there quietly. She never let go, but merely rubbed my arm. We just sat there. Me quietly seething. Her simply quiet.

"I was so mad at you for leaving," she started a few minutes later. "I think I swore your name for weeks."

"That doesn't surprise me at all, actually," I smiled to myself. She laughed a bit. "I didn't put that on the list to hurt you. I just... I see you, and your body is battered." I wanted to interrupt. "Don't say it isn't because it is. Look at this," she touched my stitches. "How'd you get this?"

"Do you really want to know?" I turned to find her eyes. She nodded. "A few days before I left I shoved some of the men sacking one of the houses. He hit me with the butt of his rifle." She tried not to look angry.

"And these?" She grabbed my wrists and traced the bruises.

"Thrown in back of a van for a night and kept in prison for trying to get out of there," I sighed, remembering the kicks and punches that accompanied.

"And there were more things like that, right?"

"I got shot," I acknowledged. Her eyes grew large. "I lived, obviously."

"Those things did things to your body that a proper doctor needs to check," she stated. "And they did things to you inside as well."

"I know," I acknowledged.

"And you won't tell me half the things that happened," she realized. "I can't help you with that. But I won't let you come back and turn into a zombie or lose your marbles. I'm too selfish for that and to proud to let you leave again." I hugged my sister. I wasn't sure who needed it more at that point.

"Step two," I picked up the pen and pad. "Get papers done legally for Charlie."

"I thought you had those," Katie added to the list.

"I do," I promised. "To an extent."

"Step three," Katie snatched the pen. "Job."

"Doing what?" I sighed. "I have no real skills."

"Then you find one that doesn't require any," she informed me as if it were that simple.

"Four," I pointed at the paper. "House."

"Five. School."

"Charlie's too young yet," I informed her. "She just turned three."

"For you," Katie explained. "We will get you some skills eventually. Anything else for the list?"

"Six. See Mum," I offered.

"Should we move that up a bit? Possibly before you find your own place?"

"Fine," I agreed. That was the wine agreeing.

Katie held the list out. It was a sloppy, scratched out mess of an outline.

"There we go," she held it proudly. "And it goes without saying that I will be here every step. And you don't have to get your own place ever." I rolled my eyes. I stared at my list. It all really was that simple. I was here now and this is what must be done.

"I can't believe you're back," Katie handed me my glass again.

I knew eventually that fact would fade into 'I can't believe you eve left' and soon enough I would go back to fighting with her and wanting to run away from it all. I couldn't believe it either.

"Tell me about your life," I asked. "In sick of hearing about my bullshit. I need to know what you've been doing."

With that, my list went onto the table and Katie started telling me about what I'd missed. How she got her job, how much she loved it. How she got rid of her ex. Slowly the stories came out. And I talked too. I told we about learning to use a gun. I told her the Disney versions, but I still told her things. She filled me in on Mum. She cried. I cried. We laughed. We drank. And I got the chance to watch her transform into this person now. There's a bit of magic at the bottom of a cheap bottle of wine.

I somehow got to bed and left my sister on the couch. I stripped down in the dark, careful not to wake the sleeping child with the light, found some sweats, and crawled in beside her.

I listened to her breathe in her sleep. It was the only sure thing I had. And it made me absolutely terrified.

I dreamt of slums. And I dreamt of Naomi's office. It was fitfully fit and made my bones feel like they were filled with sand.

The next morning I was not awoken by the sun, but instead both a rampant thunder rattling the windows and hurling large globs of rain at the window, and a hangover thunder in my very teeth. It permeated my brain and stifled my nerves to an almost painful death, allowing them instead to continue living but with crippling hurt and all around ache that only accompanies self-destructive liquid decisions.

All of that was pummeling about between my ears and outdoors, meanwhile the tiniest hands gripped my shirt and arm.

"Hi love," I whispered, barely opening my eyes enough to realize the room was relatively dark, save for the glow of the lights outside. "It's alright. I promise." I moved my arm to hug her to me. "We're safe. It's just a storm." She nodded against my shoulder. I rubbed her back softly. "How bout that? We slept with the lights off and it only took a bottle of wine to accomplish." She grabbed tighter. "For me, obviously."

I tried to sleep again, but I was awake, and my brain was firing. Slowly and off-beat with a tinge of utter throbbing despair, but firing nonetheless.

The morning passed like that. Charlie and I stayed in bed and just hung out. I tickled her and made her laugh. She tried the same on me and I played along. We were up way to early, and watched the day begin with the grey clouds becoming lighter. The storm slowed in volume, but roared with rain still, growling through the morning. We heard Katie leave for work and finally decided to start the day.

I set Charlie up with cereal and juice and started making phone calls for doctors appointments. I watched her form tiny designs with the Cheerios and smiled. Absently I snacked on them while I was repeatedly asked for insurance information I didn't have. The out of pocket was undoable as well.

"What are we going to do, little girl?" I asked as we got dressed to I to the market. I can't even get past step one on our list."

She just stared back at me ponderously while I brushed her hair and teeth. Not a peep was heard. It worried me more and more.

"We will go to the market. I will teach you how to find the really good stuff."

As easily as starting our day had been, as hopeful as I had been waking up, despite the tinge of hangover, it all slunk away dumbly with a few phone calls.

A wet morning met us at the door while I begrudgingly tried to pull my thoughts together. This wasn't hard, it was simply a challenge that had to be figure out and completed in unorthodox ways. And that was that. That didn't sound so horrible.

Charlie helped me hold the umbrella as we headed toward the market. I tried to focus on these moments.

"You know I love you, right?" I kissed her nose. "I really do." I nudged it with mine earning a smile. The crosswalk changed and we started again.

There is something magical to a city in the rain. Water bouncing from every surface. Walls draining and melting to puddles on the street. The road, slicked and soft and glowing. It was a place to be lost.

"Can you hold the list?" I popped Charlie into the buggy and threw my umbrella in a second later. Katie's place was not exactly brimming with food, as she was accustomed to eating at the office, or dinners with clients, or just out in general. Charlie held the long sheet of paper and looked around at all the happenings.

We strolled through the produce slowly. I let Charlie touch and feel everything I placed in baggies and plopped in the cart. She loved the feeling of peaches against her cheek. She was not a fan of cucumbers. The grapes I let her steal and nibble on in the front made her smile and share them with me. She inspected everything as we made our way through the store.

"Which one do you like?" I held Charlie up to the bananas. She looked over them all appraisingly. She grabbed at a bunch.

"That's an impressive helped you've got there," a woman smiled at us from across the display.

"Thank you," I returned it and gazed at Charlie happily. "She definitely makes it easier."

"Do you think you could help me pick a ripe bunch?" she asked the little girl sitting quietly in my arms. Charlie looked at me and then at the fruit before returning my way again.

"She's not..." I started, my answer obstructed by my completely lack of understanding about everything about this tiny human. "She's shy."

"That's okay," she came around the divider of bananas soothingly. "I had an awfully shy one of my own once. They all are at certain ages."

"Yeah?" I asked cautiously. I was suddenly having my first parenting conversation. The woman nodded eagerly.

"May I?" she rummaged in her pocket as if I should know what that meant. I agreed blindly because she did look like she had done this before. She removed a sucker and handed it to Charlie who held it in her tiny hand and observed it quizzically. "Not a fan?"

"Never had one before," I substituted. She just stared at me a bit. I took a lick and showed Charlie it was safe to eat. Happily she began to lick and put her head on my neck. "Thank you. She likes it, I think."

"Here," she reached in her bag and handed me a few more. "Hazards of the job."

"Mum," we both heard. She swiveled her head and looked about before waving.

"Speaking of my shy one," she laughed. "Over here, Naomi. I was just getting bananas."

"Did you get some?" she appeared, digging through the basket on her arm.

"Hi," I offered when Naomi appeared. Startled blue was paler than the blue that came when I met her in the pub.

"I told you not to give out candy to kids," Naomi turned and hissed at who I was now assuming to be her mother.

"Don't be rude, dear," the woman gave her 'mum-eyebrows.'

"Hi, Emily," Naomi returned. "Hello, Charlie."

"It appears you all know each other already," the mother began again. "I'm Gina, Naomi's mum."

"I was getting there," Naomi offered. Charlie gave a shy wave from my neck. Naomi smiled and returned it. "Mum, this is Emily. And this is Charlie. I shared my jacket on the plane, and she returned it."

"You shared your jacket?" she turned to her daughter. Naomi just nodded.

"Charlie was cold," I offered. "And I was coatless. A bit of a surprise flight."

"When you were coming back from overseas, yeah?" Gina asked her daughter. Naomi nodded again. She smiled like a mum. I had to figure that out I think. Things got quiet again between us all. "Well, have you two plans for lunch?"

"Mum," Naomi gave her a subtle elbow.

"Nonsense," Gina turned to us. "Naomi is teaching me how to cook. I'm her newest mission, and I need practice."

"You sell it," I smiled graciously. "But we've actually got to try to figure out how to get this one a check-up, and job. Well, that's for me. But, we've just... we've got a lot to figure out." I watched Naomi tick while I spoke.

"Well I can take care of that," she tutted easily.

"Mum!" Naomi shot her a look.

"What?" she ask innocently. "We can stop at the office and then cook at the pub."

"I'm sorry, but what's happening," I adjusted Charlie on my hip. It was a cute dynamic they had, but I was confused.

"You're about to become my mum's newest hobby," Naomi sighed. I hadn't seen her eyes since she walked up, and now they looked even lower at the ground. Gina smiled at me.

"That's harsh, Naomi," she nudged her daughter slightly. "Not a hobby. I'm just a very curious person."

"I'm quite scared now," I awkwardly laughed. Naomi lifted her head slightly and I saw a flash of a grin.

"She's got a soft-spot for the outlandish," Naomi continued.

"I do not," Gina tried to sound indignant. "My daughter is facetious to a large degree."

"Don't you have plans for the day?" Naomi asked.

"I can't intrude," I began to try to find a way out with her help. "I do have, I have to... We have..." I struggled. I'd been out of practice of avoiding society.

"Let's finish up shopping, and settle lunch, shall we?" Gina asked, ending the debate. "I want to hear all about your trip."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: The Work**

_Thought a change of scenery would make me feel better-  
Moved four hundred miles away.  
I'm still staring at the floor and feeling useless as a mime in a counseling session;  
Here's a million mute expressions, here's the one where I choke on my words.  
__Coughing courtesy up in a month of indifference  
__And lapping up the lie with an apologetic tongue.  
__All my speech is riddled with annulment._

_I'm sorry, I'm just doing what I think I should  
I'm gathering my things and I'm leaving for good in November  
I don't know when I'll talk to you  
I guess when both our eyes have finally died  
I still want to try._

"How's it going?" Effy leaned towards me as I sipped a bottle of water in the corner.

"It's not too bad, actually," I shrugged. "The tips don't hurt."

"That's the spirit," she laughed and leaned against the back of the bar. "You've been busy. Haven't seen Charlie much." I nodded while I smiled and checked my hair in the mirror behind the bar quickly.

"It's been a nice kind of busy," I offered with a smile. "We have a routine."

"Feels a bit like normalcy, huh?" she started moving bottles about and switching them about with empty ones from the rush that had ebbed slightly.

I had to think about it for a moment. I hadn't since everything started rolling faster and faster, and I started simply tucking and curling into a tighter ball and careening myself violently down the hill of choices coming my way. It was normal. I had less nightmares. They were not gone, but they were significantly less. Maybe because I forced myself to think less and less of what happened, was happening, could happen, would happen in a place I never named, full of people I ignored, doing horrible things to simply survive. Everything go a lot simpler when I simply lived in the present and near future. I planned only as far ahead as my work schedule would allow, which was two weeks. Every Sunday the schedule was posted outside of Naomi's office, and just like that, I could plan fourteen days in advance. That was all. That was simple and completely, innately, routinely wondrous.

"It really does," I nodded. "I'm off," I found someone looking about anxiously at one of my tables. "See you later."

It wasn't hard to get back into the swing of waitressing. I did it in summer during college. The hardest part was Naomi's continuing rotating menu. She switched what she felt like making nearly every night. When I asked, it was what she found in the market that she really liked the look of, and that was varying. I couldn't complain. Every day before work dinner was waiting on the pick-up counter for me as a preview of the specials. And she'd take a break while the kitchen heated up and ask me what I thought while leaning over and making ridiculous talk. She sent home boxes for Katie and Charlie. Katie got salads and amazing healthy food. Charlie got chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. We got to spend a few minutes talking about nothing and being very quiet in our own little bubble. My name felt very cradled in her mouth. I could watch her form it slowly, carefully. I tried not to see that so much. Mostly I got distracted when she smiled.

"Last table of the night," Naomi handed me plates. "What do you think Katie would like?"

"Actually," I juggled. "I think her and Charlie went to my Mum's for dinner tonight. And tomorrow's the holiday, so you don't have to worry. Thank you though."

"No problem," she sighed and looked away.

The night passed and the final meal was delivered. I did the normal cleaning functions and tried not to be as sleepy as I felt. I was in an amazing place, and I was getting things under control, so I knew that I didn't have a right to be tired. Charlie got to spend the evenings with Katie, and I wasn't quite sure who loved it more. Both seemed happy with the arrangement. She would be curled up, hugging the jacket in the middle of the bed when I crept in after my shift. Every day I would be surprised by the relief I felt seeing that. But there it would at the end of the day, swishing to the bottom of my feet, this feeling of security and safety and comfort at the sight of her, breathing and still and beautifully outlined in the night.

I had a healthy and happy toddler, and she was finally starting to act like it. She ran at the park. Everyday she ventured further from my gaze with that smile. She communicated in her own way with people around her. She thrived and grew and developed quirks. That was astounding.

"Bye," I waved and sat on the counter. "See you on Friday. Have a good holiday. Bye." I gave my farewells as the other staff members walked outside into the cold night. They returned it. I stretched my arms above my head and saw that it was only just after midnight. A relatively good close for us, surprisingly.

The kitchen calmed suddenly with the absence of people. It was welcomed and soothing. I traced the cold metal counter absently with my finger.

This is how it always went since the night I started. One minute Gina was giving Charlie the once over and scheduling an appointment for shots, giving me cards for a dentist and speech pathologists, and asking me a million questions I only somewhat knew the vaguest answers to. The next I was scheduled to start at Naomi's that night with the promise to bring Charlie around for Gina to monitor her for the time being. And then weeks passed, and things just got easy. We had breakfast dates with Gina, and played in the park, and had lunch with Katie sometimes, and Effy met us at the movies, and came over for drinks, and Charlie laughed and made one friend at the park, and I had a savings started, and a jar full of tips, and Katie had been repaid, and Naomi smiled at me and sometimes I got to see her pretty blue eyes, and every evening I went in early for dinner with Effy and Naomi, and sometimes it was just me and Naomi, and others it was just me while she worked, and every night after work we walked home together, and Effy would break off first, and then me, and Naomi would continue down and turn left at the next block, and I'd sometimes see Katie, awake in her office pouring over folders, and others the house would be dark, save for the tiny lamp on the dresser in my room, and I'd wash my face and slip beside Charlie, rub her back and go to sleep, fulfilled and far away. Sometimes I'd wake up in sweats. Sometimes I would be murmuring loudly. Others I'd toss and turn. But I woke up anyway.

"Oi in there," Effy pulled up a spot of counter beside me. "You all tuckered out, lil Ems?"

"A bit," I yawned to my own shame. "Excited for a night off and going to bed at a reasonable hour tomorrow."

"Amen," she agreed. "Any special plans for your off day?"

"Nope," I rested my head on her shoulder and yawned again. "I think Katie is planning dinner. So probably take-out once she burns the flat down." I felt her snicker in her shoulders.

"Solid choice," she agreed.

Naomi walked in a second later, closing the door to her office and wrapping her scarf around her neck. She adjusted it and gave us a smile. Though still a girl of few words, I was trying to train myself in her language; what each smile meant, what each move of her hand entailed, what every glance hid. It was slow learning.

"Ready?" she asked, taking a breath for what seemed like the first time of the night.

"More than," Effy agreed as we both hopped down to our feet. "That was a good night, huh?"

"Actually, yeah," Naomi agreed. "Not too shabby."

"The special was a hit," I nudged Naomi's arm as we made it outside. I was met with a huff of hot air turning to steam in the winter night as she locked the back door. "I mean it," I nudged her back again. If she returned it, I could walk closer to her. If not, she'd retreat to Effy's other side.

"I did make a lot," she relaxed and walked beside me. I tucked my arm into hers and tried to keep it warm while being kept warm myself. It helped. "How was your night?"

I shrugged and walked. Effy just chatted. We all walked down the street together, and it clicked, right there, that this was nice. I'd originally planned on taking care of everything on my own, trying, attempting to figure it all out. But I gave up on that in the grocery store when Gina gave Charlie a sucker. And this was the new normal.

"Okay, so I will see you tomorrow," Effy paused at her street. Naomi nodded. I watched them exchange words with their eyes. "Okay, okay," she sighed with a smirk and slid her hands in her pocket, rocking back slightly on her feet. "See you later, Emily."

"See ya, Eff," I waved and let Naomi pull me down the street as Effy departed alone towards her door.

The light at the next corner turned red. It always did. So we stood and waited even though no cars were in sight. Naomi fiddled with something in her jacket pocket. That was a given, and kind of a relief.

"Tomorrow we are cooking at the pub, Me, Effy, my mum, and a few of the extended family. Would you like to come?" she asked quite formally as the light changed and we started walking again.

"Katie was going to try to cook," I explained.

"Oh, okay," she nodded to herself.

"But I could ask her," I offered. "She hasn't got to meet Gina yet, and I know she really wants to say thanks."

"Mum won't like that," Naomi reminded me.

"I know," I agreed. "How dare we say thank you for all the kind things she's gone above and beyond to do for our family. We're horrible people." I earned a tiny smile. That one, the one that shifted her lips to the right slightly and started there before moving back to center and spreading, that one meant she genuinely enjoyed it.

"The gall of some people," she played along.

We came up to the front door of my apartment and slowed.

"You know that I am really thankful though, right?" I paused and waited for my words to sink in for her.

"Me too," she nodded eagerly. We walked and our feet matched in step. "I go on a silly little trip, and suddenly things are just different. I like it."

"I know what you mean," I chuckled slightly.

We made it to my door in a relaxing kind of sleepy walk.

"I hope you come tomorrow," Naomi looked at her feet as I reached for the door. "My mum said I had to invite you, and I want you to come."

"It sounds lovely," I offered. "You know that you don't have to invite me to things." Naomi nodded and played with her zipper on her jacket.

"I wanted to invite you because I like hanging out with you," she explained. "I like talking to you, and you are nice."

"You're not so bad either." I got the tiny smile.

Naomi stood straighter suddenly. It's miraculous, to watch someone steal themselves. But she did. She stood and I met her eyes. In the dark they somehow grew paler. They were pretty, and it made me understand why she didn't let anyone see them that often. I looked away and adjusted my hands in my pockets. She took a step forward and I looked again. It was the bravest thing I'd done in a while.

"I don't really..." she started, eyebrows forming rocky peaks in her forehead.

I leaned forward and kissed her. My hands clenched the lining of my pockets. It was simple but I did it anyway. I felt her grow rigid in the way you feel molecules in the sky buzz to a standstill before a lightning strike. She froze. But her lips felt good, and I was happy to do it and stop her fidgeting.

When I thought about it, it was the first thing I'd wanted to do in a long time. Yet I had no real reason.

At first it was simple lips touching lips which can hardly be deemed worthy of the title of kiss. But my hands relaxed and I felt her molecules move again. Slow and steady and cautious. Her lips moved against mine. I gripped my pockets again to keep them there.

"Wow," I sighed against her.

She pulled away and stated at me like a deer who'd just been missed by a semi.

"I was just going to say that I don't really know what to make for dessert tomorrow," she sighed, looking over my shoulder and fixing on the wall, eyes still wide.

"Oh," I nodded to myself. "Right. Pie. Pie and that ice cream you made."

"Okay," she assented. "Bye."

She was walking before I could say anything. I just stood there mentally berating myself. That lasted a few minutes, until Naomi was out of site and all that was left was the sound of my feet shuffling and grinding into the sidewalk and the thoughts ricocheting around my head.

Reluctantly I rode the lift up to the flat and tried not to do anything else impulsively along the way. It was never a good choice for me. I impulsively accepted a position across the globe and ended up with a kid. I impulsively kissed Naomi and probably lost my job and one of the only real friends I'd had that made me feel comfortable since I got back.

I decided I wouldn't tell Katie about the invitation to dinner, and instead slipped into my bedroom with a simple goodnight while she poured over cookbooks at the kitchen table.

The next morning I woke with a throbbing head and exhaustedly heavy eyelids who refused to pull up no matter how much Charlie tried to lift them. She rubbed her nose against mine and hugged my neck. I was a goner, and Naomi was relegated to the very deepest fold of my cerebral cortex.

"Good morning, little girl," I hugged her. "Shall we dress and see what Auntie Katie is doing in the kitchen?" Tiny green eyes squinted and nodded while making a funny face.

That was that. It never happened. Charlie and I brushed our teeth and combed our hair and used the potty and washed our hands and faces and tied our shoes, sort of, and made the bed, and put our clothes in the hamper.

We spent the day staying out of the kitchen. We went to the park. Charlie adored the swings, and I was in love with her smile and laugh, and how it moved in the wintry air. Katie had us make five trips to the store, which was a welcomed distraction. If I was still, I was thinking and worrying.

Charlie helped me set the table. We finally dug the picture of her parents out of my still unemptied backpack, and framed it on the dresser in our room.

"Katie, this looks amazing," I applauded her as we finally sat down to dinner. "I can't believe it." Charlie clapped along with me as Katie finally took her seat at the table overflowing with bowels and deliciously wafting food.

"Never again," she relaxed into the chair. "That was exhausting."

"Well worth it," I gave her a smile. "It looks amazing."

"Well let's try it out to be sure," she handed me a bowl as a signal to start.

It was a pleasant meal ontop of a relaxing and wondrously calm day away from the world. We chatted and were wrapped in warm scents that battled the freezing wind from earlier in the day at the park. It felt like home. That feeling that is wrapped up in tradition and custom despite its variance every year.

We did the dishes and laughed about this and that while Charlie hopped and played about the apartment. I dug up that feeling of being completely happy in this moment. I loved it.

"Let me give Charlie a bath, and then we can pop open the wine?" Katie ran after the bouncing blonde girl. "I'm going to catch you, Charlie!" she was laughing and turning into a big kid.

"Sounds good," I agreed. "Charlie, be careful please?" I called as I finished drying. "Her pj's are hanging in the bathroom."

"Got it," Katie laughed as Charlie squealed as she was caught. "Let's go, squirt. Bath time!" I saw her carrying a wriggly toddler towards the bathroom and smiled to myself. It was pleasant. Pleasant wasn't adequate, but it was the exact feeling it was.

I felt oddly normal, suddenly. Drying dishes and being much too full while Charlie splashed in the bathtub and Katie laughed. It was all familiar and something I wanted to let myself get used to despite the gnawing preconditioned part of my brain that was terrified.

I wanted to freeze it all and forget last night. I had to be a different person.

I wiped the counters and finally hung up my dish towel, lost in a happy thought to just pause life right now because it was easy.

There was a knock at the door as I collapsed onto the couch with the wine and glasses. I let myself sink into it for a moment before begrudgingly pulling myself up again. I sat down the contents of my hands and made my way to the door, calling back to Katie to see if she knew anything about who it could be. I couldn't hear her reply and opened anyway.

"Hello," Naomi gave me a smile. It was too big and stretched her lips in the wrong way to be natural.

"Um, hi," I returned, stuck with my hand on the knob.

"You didn't come to dinner, so I wanted to make sure Katie's cooking hasn't killed you." She adjust her arms slightly, juggling a bit. "And to bring you this."

"Thank you," I finally moved, but only because I had to take what was in her hands.

"I made an extra pint of ice cream," she explained. "And there wasn't much pie left, so I saved only a few pieces." Her hands went into her pockets.

"Would you like to come in?" I moved over slightly to allow her to pass.

"I have to head back," she violently shook her head.

"Okay," I nodded. I watched her eyebrows furrow again.

Slowly, she leaned toward me and kissed my cheek.

"Also that." The small smile was there. "I wanted to give you that."

I felt my cheeks burn hot with blush. I wanted to touch that spot but my hands were full. Instead I was stuck again.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow," she retreated towards the elevator.

"Yes," I answered dumbly. "Okay."

She ducked her head and got on the lift. A minute or two later I closed the door and retreated to the kitchen. I placed the plates on the counter and breathed.

That's all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Four: The Now**

_Blow out all the candles, blow out all the candles  
"You're too old to be so shy," he says to me so I stay the night.  
Just a young heart confusing my mind, but we're both in silence  
Wide-eyed, both in silence  
Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene._

Well I have brittle bones it seems  
I bite my tongue and torch my dreams  
Have a little voice to speak with  
And a mind of thoughts and secrecy  
Things cannot be reversed, we learn from the times we are cursed  
Things cannot be reversed, learn from the ones we fear the worst  
And learn from the ones we hate the most how to

"Charlie is an exceptional child," Dr. Park explained, flipping through the folder of papers. "Really remarkable." He was lost in the shuffling of pages with data and notes.

Charlie looked at me when she heard her name. I gave her a smile and rubbed her back.

"I'm not sure if this is doctor code for 'you're going to have to make adjustments in your life' or 'she'll be talking by next week'," I sighed and brushed her hair with my fingers.

"No, no," he held out a piece if paper to me. "Well you will have to make adjustments, but truly amazing. Here." He pointed towards a chart that I peered at over her head. "Here are average cognition levels," he ran his pen along a scraggly line. "And here are Charlie's," he pointed at one higher on the axis. "Already she's performing actions above her level that aren't congruent with other children her own age. An interesting find we almost never point out this early on children."

"But she can't talk," I pointed out. "She barely makes sounds. She'll be three in March and she can't communicate."

"She wants to," the doctor returned the paper and pulled out a large scan. "If you look at this scan you can see the highlighted areas where thought processing for responding are active but this area for verbalizing is completely dark. Not even a flicker."

"Is she not hearing? She looks when I call her name. She can pinpoint people," I offered.

"She can hear fine," he assured me. "Perfect hearing, she just can't respond. It looks like there was damage to her cortex. She's lucky to still be functioning. This force was exactly the right pressure, size, and location to do just enough damage without hindering other motor processes. It's not unheard of, just less prominent. Do you have any idea when that could have happened?"

I thought about her as a baby, and when I pulled her, bloody and bruised from what was left of her parents home. I'd thought she was dead. I had no doubt that one of the lacerations did this.

I shook my head and leaned my chin on her head.

"What does all of this mean?"

I watched him return the scan and Close the folder.

"I'm going to make some calls," he started, "talk to her primary pediatrician about options and there will be a few more tests some colleges might want to run, but for now, there are only a few things I would recommend. We start speech therapy, where we will work with both of you on communicating and get Charlie learning sign language, because unfortunately she's not going to talk with her words."

I took a deep breath and dug my nose into her scalp. I felt extremely guilty or reasons I didn't understand. I was terrified. I was ashamed at everything I was thinking.

"That is going to change a lot of decisions in the future," he continued, even though I didn't look back up at him. I closed my eyes and just breathed in cherry tear-free shampoo smell. "And I don't feel comfortable assigning a label to such a young and untested child, but at the tests I've done, I can nearly promise that Charlie will be remarkably advanced."

"I'm not understanding. Is there something wrong with her or not?"

"Emily, your daughter has a damaged speech pathway. But she's also capable of, and this might be slightly hyperbolic, but along these lines, she'll be capable of physics at age 5."

"How hyperbolic?" I finally lifted my head.

"Maybe not physics," he smiled. "But complex algebraic equations and beginning calculus perhaps."

We were both quiet. I tried to figure out what I could remember about my statistics class and if I even knew calculus.

"Listen, we will get you set up with some proper appointments and programs, alright?" He turned towards the desk again. "Here's my number if you need anything or have questions. I'll call Dr. Campbell and tell her my findings and I'm sure she will have suggestions."

"Thank you," I took the paper he handed me.

"We can set up an appointment to start speech therapy this week," he offered, standing.

"What should I be doing?" I asked dumbly. I stood and perched Charlie on my hip.

"Nothing," he shrugged. "She's happy, healthy, and remarkably intact after everything you've told me. Just make sure you get your official adoption forms finalized and keep doing what you're doing."

I tried to think if there actually was any rhyme or reason to what I was doing. Keep making oddly heaped pancakes and fruit? Keep giving her raspberries on her belly after bath time? Keep singing ridiculous songs in hopes that she would sing along too? Keep chasing her at the park? She was already smarter than me.

"Don't worry," he insisted. "I will see you all on the twentieth, okay?"

"Thank you again, Dr. Park," I swallowed roughly and walked out of the office and into the street.

We walked in silence for a few minutes beneath Christmas lights and holiday decorations that simply looked different during the day. The magic came at night. The day was almost shamefully sad.

"That was unexpected, huh?" I asked as I let Charlie walk and held her hand tightly. She had to extend her whole body to reach, but she was independent. "I guess I have to stop asking you questions you can't answer. I'm sorry."

We walked down the block a bit more. It was relatively bustling with the people cocooned in their jackets, swaddled in scarfs and relatively preoccupied with their own warmth to care about the grey and dismal shape of the clouds.

"We will get it all straightened out, alright?" I wanted to pinch myself for doing it again. "You know, your mum was the smartest person I'd ever met. She could talk for hours about any topic. She wasn't a know-it-all, though," I led us down the street. Charlie's mittened hand warmed my fingers. "She just knew so much stuff. She was fascinating. It makes sense that you got a bit of that."

We walked and talked. I talked. She walked and stared up at lights on the street lights. There was something refreshing about being outside, among all those people, and finally knowing what I could expect with the rest of our lives. Charlie wasn't afraid, so I shouldn't be. By the time she could learn fear, I could figure out how to be better at it all for her and fix things. I chanted what Dr. Park kept saying in my head. She's happy. She's healthy. She's remarkably intact. She's happy. She's healthy. She's uncommunicative. She's set up with a life of struggle. She's different. She's mine. She's happy. She's healthy. She's damaged.

"I love you, little one," I picked her up on a street corner when we waited to cross. "You are perfect."

I let Charlie loose to run in the park. She took off and to the swings in an instant, waiting beside them for me to arrive and put her in the seat. I pushed her gently and let her try to kick like the big kids, though she was limited by the toddler harnesses. I tried to think of ways to keep her just like this, happy and kicking with all her might. I tried to figure out how to keep it for myself. I tried to figure out what to get her for Christmas. I tried to do math in my head, factoring in moving expenses, new furniture, and rent. I would just be able to move out after the New Year, and not much wiggle room. I couldn't bear to live off of Katie any longer though. Something about it just felt foreign and wrong. She couldn't pause her life to make sure I got my shit together.

I sat on a park bench while Charlie climbed about at the empty playground. The naked tree branches creaked in the slight breeze. Our steps were muffled by their shed brightly colored leaves. Something about just watching her play changed everything, confused everything, fixed everything, ruined it again.

"Let's go, bug," I called as I realized it was after lunch already. "How about we visit Naomi and Effy for lunch?"

She lunged into my arms and I picked her up, large smile in place with pink cheeks and breathless excitement.

I'd hoped things wouldn't change with Naomi and myself after the whole... situation. But it did. She kissed me again, once. We were in the same place I kissed her after work, and she just kissed me and gave me a smile. She hung around for another minute while I was flabbergasted and blushing, her cheeks mirroring slightly. Then she was walking down the street again, sneaking a tiny look back at me. I kissed her twice. I saw her sitting at her desk in the office, writing with that furrow fixed firmly on her face. So I walked in, sat on the desk, and kissed her. It was the best kiss of my life. Her hand dropped her pencil and pulled on my neck. When I came up for air, she was pulling me closer, until I was in her lap and clutching her shoulders. I cupped her cheeks, she grabbed my hips and craned her neck for more. My lungs swelled and she pulled away slowly, eyes staying shut. There was a tiny smile. I traced her eyebrows and nose and kissed her forehead. She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned her head against my shoulder. We never said a word about anything. Nothing changed severely. I just looked at her and hoped she'd want to kiss me more.

"Hello, beautiful," Effy cheered when Charlie ran through the front of the pub. Charlie squealed when Effy picked her up and hugged her. "I've miss you, little helper. How are you?" I wanted to tell Effy that she'd never get an answer, but it felt oddly like something I couldn't get out of my throat. I wondered if that's what Charlie felt like at all times. I loved her harder.

"Did you just get in?" I asked as I pulled of my scarf and set in beside Charlie's that Effy helped her remove. Effy nodded.

"How was the appointment?" she helped Charlie finish taking off her coat.

"Pretty good I think," I offered. "Is Naomi in?"

"She was," Effy poured Charlie a juice and handed me a soda. "She left about an hour ago." I nodded and tried to look disinterested. Effy just gave me a smile. She had to know. She was Naomi's best friend, her twin. That made me feel guilty. Katie didn't know anything.

"I thought we'd make in time for lunch," I sighed. "Someone was having too much fun at the park."

"Blame it on the toddler," Effy laughed. "Here, take a seat," she pointed at the stool across from where she was working through her big, heavy psychology books. Charlie sipped her juice, perched beside Effy on the counter. "I've been thinking about Christmas, and I'd hate to not give you enough warning like for the last holiday." I looked guiltily away for a second. "But we usually have a big weekend out at the estate, and we'd love for you and Charlie and Katie to join us. There's plenty of room."

"That sounds amazing," I said after swallowing a gulp of drink. "Let me talk to Katie. She's been looking for a tiny vacation though."

"Wonderful," Effy smiled warmly. "I'll tell Gina to make room."

"I didn't say okay," I warned. "I just said let me see. Plus, I don't even know what you mean by estate."

"Gina's family has this vacation place," she shrugged. "It's nothing, but it's old, and traditional, and incredibly wonderful covered in snow and the perfect Christmas location."

"When you put it like that," I relented. "Let me talk to Katie and I will let you know later at work, okay?"

"Definitely," she agreed.

Effy went on to talk to Charlie a little bit, earning smiles and a high-five here and there.

"Hi," Naomi walked in suddenly, freezing when she saw us. My head snapped to meet her eyes before they would disappear.

"Hi," I returned shyly.

"Hi, Charlie," Naomi walked towards us at the bar. "I see you in here a lot. I think we need to talk about your drinking." She smiled and earned a hug from Charlie. "Thank you," she said graciously. "Emily, can I show you something?" Naomi lifted her arms signifying the bags she was carrying. "I didn't think you'd be here, so I didn't expect to give them to you now, but um... it'll work... yeah." The unsureness made me smile.

"I'll be right back," I looked at Effy and Charlie. "You guys are okay for a few minutes?" Effy nodded dismissively and started talking to Charlie.

I followed Naomi into the kitchen where she plopped her bags on the counter.

"My mum called me this morning," she started, still not looking at me but reaching for the bags. "She told me about Charlie."

"Is there a such things as doctor-patient confidentiality?" I asked, slightly off-put by the conversation.

"Yes," she nodded. "But you've met her, she's horrible at secrets, and she just..." I watched her shoulders grow as she struggled to find the right words and breathed in too deep. Her hands strained under the inability to find a good answer. "I know that this is going to be hard, for you, and I made her tell me." She met my eyes to see if it was alright. I felt horrible but nodded.

"I got you these," she pulled out the contents of the bag. Books stacked on the table in a second. "I figure we could practice together, because you'll have to learn it to." She held up a few sign language books. "I don't know any sign language, but it can't hurt to learn, you know?" she rambled. "And going to the doctor's just sucks, so there are these," she pulled out some coloring books. "I know Charlie likes to scribble. And these," she held up some pads. "When I didn't talk, sometimes I just liked to draw." Naomi ran out of things to pull out of the bags. I looked at the pile and couldn't look anywhere else. It was mesmerizing.

This would be the fourth time I kissed Naomi. I moved towards her put my hand on her sternum. I traced her collarbone with my finger. I felt her heart racing at ungodly speeds. I kissed her cheek, softly, as long as I could hold it. She tilted her head down and towards me. I let my forehead rest against the side of her head while my fingers gently toyed with the edge of her hair behind her ear. She held my hand with her other. It was a quiet moment in an empty kitchen. I couldn't move if I wanted.

She shifted in front of me and ducked her head to kiss me. I let it lift my head and kissed her back. I grabbed her hair and held on for dear life. I felt her hands politely on my hips. I felt her hips against my hips. My forearms made it to her shoulders to pull her closer. I liked her lips. I liked how they moved and how they tasted and things they did. She moved closer, a feat I didn't think possible.

"I like doing that," I finally breathed when she relaxed and became aware. Those were the first things I'd ever spoken about kissing Naomi. I wanted to take them back.

"Me too," she agreed with a serious nod. She kissed me, this time. Sweetly, softly, simply. I hugged her, pulling her down to my level with my arms. We leaned against the counter and I just clung to her like a koala. I buried my nose in the crook of her neck. Eventually I hid myself there, ducking my forehead and disappearing completely while she hugged me tightly.

"I wish I'd met you before I left," I whispered to her sweater.

"Me too," she nodded. "Charlie is pretty cool though."

I chuckled and hugged her tighter. I didn't know when I'd get this again, and I was too afraid to ask, so I just took in this moment.

"Can I go give Charlie her books?" Naomi asked after a second. I loosened my grip and nodded.

"Thank you," I offered while she gathered books.

"No problem," she returned. There was a smile. It was easy and genuine. "Do you want to hang out, after work?" she asked from the door of the kitchen while I surveyed the other books.

I nodded eagerly, though I tried to play it off somewhat.

"Yes," I swallowed.

"Okay," she nodded as well. "Just stick around after closing. I'll ship Effy off home with the others."

"Deal."

"Good."

"Okay."

"Great."

"Awesome."

"Mmhmm."

"See you then."

"First, at work."

"Right."

"I'm going to..."

"Right, yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: The Night**

_You don't have to say it twice-_  
_Because I've done a lot of things tonight,_  
_And I'd take a part of me and put it on your skin if you'd let me._  
_I've been gone for much too long._

"Here, scoot," I muttered, pulling on the blanket behind the couch. "You have goose flesh."

"I'm plenty warm," Naomi returned, though allowed me to pull the flannel and throw it over our legs and chests. "I didn't want to move," she insisted, trying to mold back into the spot on the couch. "It was so comfortable."

"You're ridiculous," I shook my head and found my spot back leaning against her shoulder. Her arm went around my shoulders. I shuffled harder into her side, folding myself against her side until I found my spot again. "Much better," I muttered, pulling the blanket up to my chin as Naomi's fingers ran along my arm and her cheek found the top of my head and nodded.

"I like this part," Naomi whispered. I couldn't pay attention to the movie playing on her desk computer. I just paid attention to her moving, to her fingers and how they paused when she got excited at a part of the movie, or how she shifted and pulled me closer with each movement, or how she smelled so damn good, and now her blanket was around me, and it smelled just as good too. I was cozy and everything was wonderful and the last thing on my mind was the movie coming from her desk.

This was our fourth time hanging out, and each time we got progressively closer. The first, she awkwardly invited me to watch a movie after work. We sat on opposite sides of the couch until I started to nod to sleep, and my legs somehow ended up across her lap. She kissed me at my door when she dropped me off after that.

"Charlie had fun with the trees," I finally said in the quiet. I was enjoying the screen and the animals on it, but I was nervous, and when it was quiet I thought, which made me more nervous.

"Me too," Naomi nodded again. She kissed my head and moved the hair with her nose.

The next time we hung out, she took me and Charlie to go Christmas tree shopping. She didn't let go of Charlie as they searched for trees quite seriously. I took pictures and tried to convince them to take the tallest one there. Naomi chose two. The tall, full one was delivered to the pub, and the squat, awkwardly shaped one Charlie picked was sent to her estate for the holidays. We got hot chocolate and huddled together on the trunk of her car in the parking lot. Naomi was quiet, and she understood Charlie in ways that almost made me jealous. She already had her own sign in Charlie's vocabulary. That was terrifying for me. Once you're in a vocabulary, you're there. You can't erase words once they've been learned. But Naomi kept Charlie warm, and asked us over the next day to help her and Effy decorate the tree. That counted as our third time together. We snuck off to the attic and she kissed me until I was smiling too much and we had to stop.

"I think you're a complete stranger," I readjusted my head as an alligator overtook a gazelle. It wasn't true, it was just partially honest.

"You are too," she reminded me. "Did you know that a three-point-five meter crocodile has a brain the size of a walnut?"

"Is that true?" I asked after a moment. She just nodded again. I settled back against her and relaxed. The day had been too long to think too much about anything but the brain size of the Australian crocodile.

We were here in this moment, and I got really good at simply enjoying moments with Naomi. There were no assurances of the next, or how long I'd have to wait between. And her, with her, I wasn't afraid. I simply wasn't really thinking of anything bad. I was alone, and content, and completely out of my element in a very good way. These facts made me appreciate these moments. I knew they had to be inherently good because they were ceaselessly fleeting.

"I don't think you're a stranger," she started out of no where. Her cheek lifted from my head. "Two creams, two sugars in your coffee. Charlie's mum. Twin. Volunteer. Elephant lover. Blue lucky socks. Football novice. Brave. Calm. Amazing cucumber peeler. Horrible Christmas tree picker. Impatient. Patient. Smart. Comfortable. Eyes just a shade lighter than your sister's. Pretty face. Sleep mumbler. Pen chewer."

"That is impressive," I relented and went back to staring at the movie again. "It's quite simple when you put it like that."

"How can I not be a stranger to you?" she mused. It didn't seem like a question I had to answer, so much as one she simply had to say because it filled up her brain and she was confused and serious. But when she was confused and serious I wanted to help.

"Tell me something you don't want me to know," I ventured. Her legs shifted as she crossed and uncrossed them and crossed again. I could heard her brain whirring mechanically behind me. You could read Naomi. She was easy to understand when you gave up trying to figure out what could possibly be going on inside her head, and instead just know that she was processing something. Her mind was always running, you just had to learn the speeds.

"I have two doctorates," she finally said. Her hand paused on my hip and simply rested there.

"Why wouldn't you want me to know that?" I laughed slightly. A bird on the screen did a funny dance with its tail.

"I'm just a cook," she shrugged.

"You're a chef, who owns her own business, who makes wonderful food," I corrected.

"It's geeky," she tried another tactic. I think that was more honest.

"It is, but that's okay. It's even better," I assured her. "Except I bet you're ridiculously smarter than me."

"Nah," Naomi sighed and shifted more to the side. We slowly rotated to the idea that we were almost on our sides on the couch.

"What are they in and when did you get them?" I shifted my legs so I was completely on my side.

"I got my degree in Calculus at sixteen, and my other in Physics at eighteen," she moved again. "But I took over the pub at nineteen."

"Can we move?" I asked sitting up. "Here, you get comfy there," I directed her. "My legs won't reach the table at this angle. But now," I laid down beside her, sandwiched between her body and the back of the couch. "So much better." Her body stiffened until I laid back down beside her and my head went to her shoulder. "Why did you take over the pub?"

"It was my grandpa's. And his grandpa's. And his grandpa's," she said, hand slowly going back to my side. She was skittish when she had to talk. "And he died, so I just took over."

"How'd you learn to cook so well?" I yawned into her side.

"He taught me," she shifted against the heat of my yawn and rubbed my back through my shirt.

"Geniuses are becoming a running theme in my life," I sighed, moving to my chin so I could look at her. "You and Charlie are going to be doing formulas with more letters than numbers, and I'll be tallying the bill with my fingers." She shook her head and chuckled. She stared at the monitor still, though I doubt she saw anything. "It explains a lot. You're not a stranger."

"That's good," she nodded, sneaking a look at me. I yawned again and ducked my mouth into her shoulder. "I'm keeping you up too late." She started to move away to sit up. I held on tighter.

"No, stop," I struggled. "I'm comfortable. I'm having fun. It's a nice date."

"Date?" she sank back against me. I shifted my leg over hers so she couldn't move again. I just nodded. "Can we do this again another time?"

"I was hoping, yeah," I agreed.

"Do I have to ask you, like, should I say 'would you like to go on another date' or something?" she continued.

"You can just invite me to hang out, or say that, I don't know," I shrugged and looked at her again, finding the furrow in place. "It doesn't matter."

"But I didn't know it was a date now," she gave me her eyes, all blue and confused and far away. "And I'm not sure how I got it to be."

"It doesn't have to be," I quelled.

"I like simple," she asserted firmly. "I can't... I'm just... I don't know."

"This is simple," I promised. I recoiled slightly despite my words. I wasn't sure if it was, I wasn't sure if it would stay that way, and I wasn't sure if this was her telling me this wouldn't happen again.

"I like you," Naomi stated, just as firmly. "I can't explain it. And that makes me unsure of what to do. And now that you know I like you, I definitely don't know." I watched her eyes dart about the room. I felt her heart thump.

"Did you know that a giraffe has a heart that is two-feet long?" I offered, resting my head on her chest. I shifted my hips until I was on top of her. I curled up in a ball and nuzzled my cheek under her clavicle. I felt her shake her head. "I promise."

We just sat there. Naomi's hands eventually went to my back where they sat beneath by scapula and rubbed off-beat circles. Her heart rate slowed after a few minutes, but I could practically feel her brain churning violently. Another set of animals started to sprint through fields across magnificent scenery. I just closed my eyes for a second.

"I like you," I mumbled, keeping my eyes shut. I felt her shirt in my hands and held it as hard as I could without pulling. "I don't know why either. But you're not supposed to know. You just like people sometimes."

"I've never liked someone like I like you," she said. I smiled and blushed. I played with her hair and pushed it from her forehead. "Things are never simple when you want them to be," she sighed.

"We are," I promised, playing with her cheek and jaw.

"Good," she lightened slightly. The furrow relaxed a bit. "I was never a stranger," she corrected again. I could see her smile. It was the biggest and most natural I'd ever seen from her.

"You were never a stranger," I agreed. She hadn't been, I was just afraid.

I leaned down and kissed her. I figured I could do this now. I'm sure there would be rules with her, but for now I just wanted to kiss her. Lightly, I touched her lips with my own. I kissed her cheeks. I moved to her nose and her eyes and her forehead. She chuckled and ran her hands up my ribs.

I kissed her again. I lowered my chest to her chest and kissed her as hard as I could. I felt her crane her neck to kiss me. I felt her lips move and grab and hold. Naomi's hands finally made contact with skin as they gently slid beneath my shirt quite casually. Her fingertips played along the back of my ribs, never venturing very high, but simply holding me to her tighter. I made her breathe harder. I liked kissing her, so I kept doing it. I grabbed at what I could. I felt her bra through her shirt. I felt her push against me harder.

"More," she insisted, sitting up. I bit her lip. I kissed her neck. She made delightful sounds in my ear. I leaned back slightly, pulling her towards me. She was over me on the opposite end of the couch. I grabbed at her shoulders. I loved her shoulders. I kissed her harder. She slipped her hand under my knee and pulled it higher, hitching me closer to her. The same hand slid under my shirt again, bravely scaling my ribs. I dug my hands into her hair and felt her tongue. I made ridiculous noises into her throat.

"We should get you home," she finally decided as we slowed. I couldn't form thoughts about much.

"The movie isn't over," I protested without looking at the screen and instead electing to kiss her again, earning a smile.

"It is," she motioned towards it with her head. The screen was black. I sighed and just relaxed into the couch again. She leaned on her hand and her elbow dug into the cushion beside me. Her other remained on my ribs.

"Let me catch my breath?" I asked simply. I meant, let me try to get the room to stop spinning from that onslaught.

"I will get our coats," she finally rolled over me and regained her feet on the floor. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back for one more kiss.

I stood up and let her help me into mine easily. If I hadn't liked her before, that would be the moment that sealed it for me.

"This was fun," I reminded her as I waited for her to lock the ally door for us before we made it to the street.

"I'm glad you had a nice time," she responded as she pocketed the keys. "Even though you missed half of the movie."

"It was kind of worth it, right?" I nudged her slightly and gave her a conspiratorial smirk. She ducked her head and blushed a bit. We walked down the familiar streets, though now they were even more empty than when we normally left work. It was late, but I didn't care. It was the nice kind of late that comes about for only an hour per night, when everyone actually was where they needed to be.

"We can try to watch again this weekend," Naomi offered. I slipped my hand into hers in her pocket. "We have it at Anglesey, and Mum loves nature documentaries. And I'm sure Charlie will love it."

"You're awfully excited for the holiday break," I nudged her. She ducked her head again and there was a tiny blush.

"It's my favorite," she bashfully explained. "There are so many traditions to show Charlie and you, too."

"We're excited," I promised. "You're sure it's no trouble?"

"None at all," she nearly interrupted. I felt her squeeze my hand. I wasn't sure if it was to reconcile her words with an action or simply a habit when she got anxious. "The house is so empty when it's just Mum, Kiernan, Effy and me."

"Katie will definitely liven it up then," I smiled and pulled myself closer to her as we continued to walk. "Do you want to use your degrees?" I asked through the quiet.

"Yes," she nodded. Her hands dug deeper into her pockets. "One day."

"What do you do with that?"

Naomi paused for a minute, pulling me to a halt as well. "You really want to know?" I nodded. She searched my face for a doubt of anything. "I do this," she pulled out a notebook from the inside of her coat. I recognized it from a similar stack of about twenty she had in her office. Hurriedly she flipped through it and used the street light to show me pages filled with scribbles. "Just... this stuff," she said excitedly. She went on to explain some of the ideas, but they were lost on me. I'd never seen her so excited.

"Are these the secrets of the universe?" I asked, trying to read her tiny and difficult handwriting.

"No," she shook her head seriously. "This is all one proof. You know when I wasn't at work a few nights last week?"

"You were doing this?" I couldn't believe it. It was pages and pages stacked to the ceiling with numbers and letters and notes. She nodded.

"I do this," she nodded again and again.

"I don't understand any of it, but it looks amazing," I promised.

"I get lost, sometimes," she explained, flipping pages and walking down the street again. "That's why I like the Pub. I can't get lost there. I'm too busy."

"We all need that," I kept looking at pages and realized I had no idea who she was. Every inch I thought I understood, I lost another foot. "Wait, what's this," I stopped her as she flipped and babbled about something else.

"What's what?" she continued to flip anxiously.

"Go back," I insisted, tossing back pages. "What's this?" I stopped walking again and held it up to the orange street lamp.

"Nothing," she kept turning pages. I held up the page I wanted in the light.

"It's wonderful," I sighed. "Naomi, it's amazing."

"No," she shook her head. "Let me show you this one part..."

"Naomi, it really is amazing. Where is it?"

"Stop, please," she kept flipping, not meeting my eyes. I let go of the book.

"Okay," I nodded.

"See here," she pointed. "I think this line is where I have it." She was rambling about theorems.

"You'll have to explain it to me one day," I offered. "Though, Charlie might be a more apt pupil." I earned a small laugh from Naomi. She grabbed my hand after frustratedly shoving the notebook back in her pocket. We walked past Effy's street. "I didn't mean to push." She nodded.

The street taunted me with its silence now.

"It's an old mill on the property," Naomi said as we paused in front of my building. "My dad made it into my place."

"It looks beautiful," I offered carefully, feet shifting in our stillness.

"I'll show you," she promised.

"Okay," I smiled and leaned forward to kiss her. I was hoping to form a Pavlovian response. When she offered a bit, I'd reward her.

"Have a good night," Naomi offered. "Sweet dreams." She leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

"You too," I offered. "Be safe on your walk home."

"It's not far," she promised. "Goodnight, Emily."

"Goodnight, Naomi."

I went upstairs after she was out of sight, and slipped into bed beside Charlie. It felt better. I almost couldn't wait for her to wake up so I could see those eyes and smile. I felt calm, now, with her steady breathing.

"You're going to grow up and know the secrets of the universe," I whispered. "All of them and I won't understand any of it. But you are going to do amazing things with that brain of yours, dented and dinged as I let it get. I promise. You're going to do amazing things. I saw." I kissed her temple and covered her in the jacket and snuggled into a sleep beside her.

Not even the nightmares were as bad as they normally were.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: The Merry**

_All the lights are coming on now  
How i wish that it would snow now  
i dont fell like going home now  
i wish that i could stay_

_All the trees are on display now_  
_and its cold now_  
_i dont feel like going home now_  
_i wish that i could stay_

"You don't have to do that, honey," Gina rubbed my arm as I washed up some dishes. "It's no trouble."

"I can't just not help," I shook my head as she poured herself another cup of cocoa from the stove. "Plus, this place is just too amazing." I alluded to not just the kitchen I was standing in, but the entire home, and even the property. Gina nodded in agreement. "I don't even mind escaping to the kitchen."

"It's usually a favorite hiding spot of Naomi back home, but here, she rarely cooks," Gina leaned against the island behind me while I caught her in the window. I finished rinsing the mug in my hand and set it in the rack to dry.

"That's fair," I nodded. "I try to get her to take a day off, but it's usually a no go. I guess the secret is to kidnap her to here."

"Or get her sick," Gina mentioned. "She's the biggest baby when she's sick."

"I'll make a note of that," I smiled. "Now, I think it's bedtime for a little girl."

"But they're so cute," Gina put her arm over my shoulder as we walked towards the living room.

The house was a thing of beauty, and a work in progress, constantly adapting and evolving with the times. The kitchen was covered in stainless steel, Naomi explained her grandfather did that. The bedrooms were all miraculously different, and capable of being used by different people, but updated and wonderful. Work of her mother. It was cozy. The dining room was ridiculously formal, but I was excited for the big table to be filled with people and food. It wasn't small by any means, but somehow they'd made the large inside warm and comforting as opposed to menacing and outlandishly luxurious. I could understand why Naomi loved it here and she glowed when she talked about all of her memories here. Though that was few and far between, she couldn't help herself here, and that was wondrous.

When Gina and I reached the living room down the hall, I couldn't bring myself to pull Charlie from her chair, but paused and simply watched.

The past two nights since we'd arrived, the family tended to congregate here after dinner. Charlie, exhausted from playing in the snow, found the energy to curl up in Naomi's lap while we watched classic Christmas movies and everyone joked and talked over it. They'd sit quietly and watch the TV while Katie and Effy laughed and teased, and Gina distracted me with so many things and stories. I'd catch their quiet and be amazed by it all. Charlie's hand on Naomi's cheek sometimes when she got excited about the movie. Naomi's adjustments to keep Charlie from making her leg fall asleep. It was too much.

I watched Gina take a seat next to Effy and join in with the puzzle they were working on. Kieran read in the corner and yawned to remind us of his presence. I was stuck watching it all happen, unsure of where I should be. It was the best kind of problem.

"I think it's time for bed, sleepyhead," I strolled in finally as Charlie yawned again. Naomi shifted slightly and took a look at the tired girl in her arms. Charlie moved her hand from her chin to her chest to sign a question about Santa.

"That's right," Naomi nodded after considering it seriously. "Santa comes tonight." Charlie looked at me excitedly. She'd been learning all about Santa recently, and was intrigued by what it all meant. It would be new for both of us.

"Are you ready for bed?" I asked, swooping in and picking her up from Naomi's lap. Green eyes nodded and her head ducked under my chin. It was when her hand reached for my hair and started playing with it that I knew she was exhausted. "Tell everyone 'goodnight'," I asked. Charlie made her sign half-heartedly. Naomi made it back and offered a little smile.

"Goodnight, love," Katie stood and kissed Charlie's cheek, earning a small hug. "Sleep tight."

"Sweet dreams," Effy earned a hug as well. I got a nose-on-nose kiss before her head went to my chest again. I nodded to Gina as I moved to the other side of the living room towards the stairs that led to the East wing.

We walked past the walls of pictures of family. I loved finding new ones. I loved simply discovering the house. The side we were on was quiet, and comfortable for guests. Katie and Effy's rooms were across from our side and they shared a bathroom on the opposite end of the hall. A small living room waited at the end of the hall with windows letting in light on three sides. It was Charlie's play room in the morning, and she loved looking at the deer that came from the ridge on the south side, or the fog that rose on the west. I sipped coffee and watched her watch.

Charlie got her own room, which meant she slept alone for the first time ever. I missed her, but it felt normal. Our rooms were connected by a bathroom with a big tub she adored and a view of the backyard that stretched for years. Charlie's room had two twin beds. One was covered with her bag and clothes, while the other she decided would be hers to sleep inside, her jacket tucked under the pillow until it was time to sleep. The room was perfectly lavender, light purple and relaxingly comfortable at every turn.

"What jams tonight, Charlotte?" I let her stand on her bed. She signed _santa_ again and I grabbed them from the other bed. "You know, you have to sleep the whole night, and then Santa will come down the chimney in the study, right?" I asked as I slipped off her socks and pants and threw them towards the hamper. "Santa will slide down, and eat the cookies we made," off went her shirt to the hamper. She smiled at me and rubbed her tummy with a little dance. "And he will share the carrots with the reindeer. Then he will leave presents, because you were the best girl all year, and I'm positive you were on the nice list. Foot," I held out her onesie foot. Katie loved shopping for her too much, but these were warm and cute, so I didn't fight her too much on it. "Other," I held it again while she held my shoulders for balance. I zipped and kissed her forehead when I reached her neck. "What story tonight, my love?" _  
_

_Muffin_, she signed.

"Good choice," I pulled up the quilt on her bed for her to slide inside and grabbed the book from her nightstand. I'd memorized _If You Give A Moose a Muffin_, but she loved the pictures.

We settled in to read, and by the time he was asking for a nap, she was asleep. I sat with her and set the book down, pushing her hair to the side and holding her tight. I watched the snow flutter about in the dark window. I had nothing to think about, and that was strage and welcome. Things were actually working surprisingly well. Perhaps too well. That is a fear in and of itself. But we were happy. She was growing and adapting and thriving. I was employed and had a savings. Somewhat. And we had a new little group that helped us be alive and survive well. That's a Christmas miracle if I've ever heard one.

For the first time in a few weeks, I allowed myself to think of Charlie's parents. They were decades ago and lightyears away from this moment, but they were suddenly stuck in my head and throat no matter how much I swallowed and shook and shook and shook to get them out. One day Charlie would have questions, and I wouldn't have answers. I'd only known them for just over two years before they were killed. I didn't know her dad's favorite color or team. I couldn't tell her what school her mom went to, or even where she grew up. That suddenly terrified me. Fears adapt as well.

"You know, I will protect you," I whispered. "They know it," I added for myself. I listened to her breathe. "I still think your mum was crazy to trust me with something this important, but I'm so glad she did. This is the first in a lifetime of Christmases together, my little girl. And I'm going to mum the heck out of you, and make sure you don't hate me like I hate mine, and yours hated hers, and I'm sure everyone has hated their own at some point. Not us, little one. We're doing good."

I kept staring out the window as if I'd see something there in the reflection of the warm room. I pulled the blanket up on her shoulders.

"Sweet dreams, Charlie," I kissed her forehead. "I love you." I watched her for a few more minutes from the door after turning off the larger light and simply let the bathroom light stream through a crack to make sure she wasn't afraid if she woke up in the night. I doubted she'd wake. The day had been spent running in the snow, and feeding the animals, and baking. She was as exhausted as I was. I hoped to sleep as peacefully.

Gently, I shut the door behind me and moved toward my room on the end of the hall. I grabbed all of her presents I'd bought and wrapped over the past few nights, and lugged them downstairs. There wasn't many, but I figured she'd like new clothes and a few different toys.

"Let me give you a hand," Kieran hopped up from a seat in the study where he was writing. "What an elf," he chuckled to himself.

"Thanks," I breathed lighter as he lightened the stack from my hand.

"Let's try to find a place," he led me towards the giant tree in the full length windows. The bottom over-flowed with presents of various sizes and colors, all beautifully wrapped and exquisit looking.

"Goodness," I sighed. The room had been empty earlier today.

"Just a few things for everyone from everyone," he shrugged and continued to stack. There were too many boxes to count, fanning all around the tree. "Plus, Charlie's first Christmas seemed like an event your sister and Gina couldn't pass up without celebration." I sighed again.

"Last bit," Katie's voice floated in from the hall before she appeared.

"It better be, this is ridiculous," Effy followed closely.

"My niece is getting spoiled always," Katie informed her as they entered with full arms. I watched her sit them down and start to put them near the tree. "And don't you even start," she pointed at me good-naturedly. "I'm not spoiling too much. I promise it's a lot of clothes and such."

"Katie," I started, trying to politely scold.

"Come on, Ems," she put her hands on her hips. I watched Kieran slip back to his desk and turn his back guiltily. "Don't get all mad. Let us be the best Santas ever."

"Kieran, honey, can you help?" I heard Gina call from the opposite side of where I came down the stairs. He put his pen down and grumbled his way out of the room. Katie and I resumed our staring match. Effy shifted awkwardly beside us and eventually gave up to stack more.

"You're cut off," I finally relented. "No more, for many months."

"Til her birthday," Effy corrected. I shot her a glare. She shrugged and ignored me. Katie smiled broadly.

"I think this is all," Gina came in a second later with Kieran at her heals, both with arms full of boxes.

"Gina," I whined. "Please tell me those aren't all for Charlie."

"Not all," she immediately went to popping some in stockings and others onto the pile by the tree. "Some are for everyone. Most are for Charlie. I just love Christmas."

"She's a grinch," Katie informed her when she caught my sour face. "Don't mind the look, she's just full of stubborn."

"You are all spoiling Charlie," I stomped my foot. I felt as whiney as I'm sure I sounded; tiny and unforceful.

"One day isn't spoiling," Gina assured me, unfazed by my reaction.

I opened my mouth to protest, but Effy gave me a look and smile. Katie did the same. Gina followed. I crossed my arms and tried again, but the looks got more stern. I looked at the tall tree, decorated in beautiful ornaments mingled with ones Naomi made when she was seven. I caught the ones she taught Charlie how to make during our visit. We all had one on there. Stockings hung on the fireplace with care, our names sewn in and all full of oddly shaped boxes. The fire cracked beneath and the lights dimly glowed along the mantle. Presents cascaded along the floor and wall beneath the tree, some even shoved like ornaments in the branches. Something about the fact that my handprint ornament hung there with Effy's, and Katie's stocking twisted next to Charlie's beside Gina's, with Kieran snacking on carrots and drinking reindeer juice at his desk, it just felt like everything was wonderfully alive and present.

I pretended to be mad, but gave up with a smile and turned to leave them to their work.

"You're pouty," Naomi observed without really looking up from her book. The TV played to itself on mute with the fire hissing occasionally across from her.

"Have you seen the study?" I sat on the arm of the couch defeatedly. She smiled to herself and nodded. "It's ridiculous."

"It's her first Christmas," she shrugged.

"That doesn't mean she needs a million presents," I argued, playing with the fabric of my knees. I was jealous I couldn't provide it all for her.

"She's a kid who can't talk, has dead parents, and is trapped in her own mind," Naomi explained. "Let her be ridiculously spoiled by ridiculous Christmas shoppers who can't do anything else but make sure she has the best day of her life so far."

I hated when she did that. I picked at my knee a bit harder. She turned the page of her book. Sometimes that bugged me even more. She never gave me her whole attention. I only bought my daughter a handful of presents. I was inadequate. I heard them laughing in the other room. Katie called a few minutes later to see if I wanted a drink. I declined and went back to sulking.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Naomi finally asked, startling me from my distracted thinking in a circle of nothing. I nodded. She put her book on the coffee table and stood, working on the television and searching for a movie. She got it started and turned off a few lights, so the only indication of other life was the light in the hall that led towards the study. The fireplace murmured to itself.

"Would you like a drink?" she hadn't met my eyes in hours. I shook my head and she resumed her spot, rigidly. The opening credits for _It's a Wonderful Life_ started a minute later. We were both quiet.

"You know, they're helpless to fix anything in her life," she turned to me, still not looking at me. "But they can do this. It's nice to let them do this so they think they are helping." With that she turned back to the screen. I watched her adjust her long legs. I hated when she did that.

I took a deep breath and shifted. I laid my head in her lap. A few minutes later she gradually started to relax.

"It's hard to let people help," I sighed.

"I know," Naomi agreed, throwing a blanket over me from the back of the couch.

We sat quietly and watched the movie. Naomi's arm rested on my shoulder. I held it. She ran her fingers through my hair. I calmed and felt myself relax from the skittishness I'd been developing. This is what my life was now, and that was okay.

"I love this movie," Katie and Effy joined us after about a half hour of quietness. No one came to the couch though. I stretched and nuzzled Naomi's lap slightly as they picked different chairs.

"This has always been our favorite," Gina joined a few minutes later. The light turned off in the hall. She picked a loveseat and curled up with Kieran. Naomi's hands froze for a few minutes, but gradually began again. I dozed and tried to pay attention. It felt like a losing battle. Everyone was quiet. Her hands made me sleepy. The fire didn't help. The blanket over my shoulders didn't either.

"Remember when your dad made us watch this every Christmas Eve, Naomi?"

I didn't hear an answer, but I assumed there was a nod.

"I don't think we ever watched it as a family," Katie offered for me.

"It was an affair," Gina explained, voice melancholy and happy. "Cookies and milk were set out, Naomi was very particular about the chimney being put out in the study, and we had snacks and hot cocoa while we watched. You never made it to the end," she laughed slightly. Naomi was quiet against the acquisition. "Neither of you did," Gina added.

"The cocoa was drugged," Effy laughed. I watched her long legs dangle over Katie's lap. "All I remember is Mary and George in love. It took me a decade to figure out what actually happened in this movie."

"We haven't watched it in a few Christmases, huh?" Gina asked. Again Naomi was silent. Her hands paused. I squeezed the one I was hugging.

"I can't remember the last time," Effy offered.

It grew quiet again. I laid on my back and looked up at Naomi for a moment. She was staring forward like a statue, unblinking and blind. I cupped her cheek in my hand until she looked at me. I smiled slightly, the half one that I knew she understood. She went back to watching. I watched her swallow.

The movie faded for me, and I wasn't sure how much time passed before I was jolted awake by my own awareness. The room was quiet except for the flipping of the page in Naomi's book on the arm of the couch.

"They went to bed," Naomi said as I blinked and looked about confusedly.

"What time is it?" I rubbed my eyes and hoarsed through my sleepy voice. Naomi checked her watch.

"Just after two," she returned to the pages.

"I fell asleep," I observed quite stupidly. She just nodded. A minute passed and a page flipped. I wondered if her leg was asleep and if that mattered because I was comfy and she was still there. "Thank you for sitting with me," I mumbled.

"I couldn't go anywhere else," she stated. I sat up finally and tried to pull my hair up slightly. Another page flipped.

"Are you ready for bed?" I asked, rolling my shoulders and turning into myself.

"I think so," she nodded, closing her book and setting it on the table. "Happy Christmas," she smiled slightly to me.

"Let's get you to bed," I held out my hand as I stood up. "You're exhausted. Too much time running around with Charlie in the snow."

"I like her. She's one of my favorite people," she muttered, lacing our fingers and following obediently.

"Good."

We reached the stairs. Naomi's room was in the main wing with Effy and Gina's. She was down the hall and to the right. I was the opposite and on the left. We hesitated for a moment, awkwardly, as if I hadn't spent the past hour asleep on her leg.

"Let me walk you to your room," Naomi offered. "This house is sometimes creepy at night." Before I could object we were walking up the steps quietly. It was unnecessary, but I was glad she was with me.

"Let me check on Charlie," I whispered as we made it to the end of the hall. I cracked the door slowly, and listened to her breathing. She was curled in a tiny sleeping ball in the middle of her bed. "Asleep and safe."

"I might have tired her out too," Naomi smiled as the door softly clinked behind me. "She doesn't show it. She's amazing."

"I'm quite attached," I agreed as we moved towards my door. "She's going to lose it tomorrow when she sees the presents." Naomi smiled again, wider this time.

"Christmas is my favorite time of year," she whispered. "It's the only time everyone believes in magic. It's the only time I believed in things I couldn't understand."

"I think you're passing that on to Charlie," I assured her. I bit my lip because I wanted to kiss her.

"This is your place," she sighed at my door.

"Yes," I agreed. "Would you like to come in?"


	8. Chapter 8

**The End**


	9. Chapter 9

**Post Script**

Here is what I have learned in this brief experiment in writing here:

People will crawl out of the woodwork to criticize the fact that I'm ending a story because I've lost the passion for it and written myself into a corner, yet couldn't be bothered to say anything when I was writing it. And that is kind of horrible in this time of instant gratification. And all of that is actually not alright with me.

People will say very nice things.  
People will say rude things.  
People are supportive.  
People are not.  
And all of that is actually alright by me.

As for those of you who feel disrespected by the fact that my free story, which you can read and even give instant criticism for, that which I use my free time to write simply for practice and to break up my writer's block for real work, ended in a way that was inadequate, or that I lack certain courtesy and adoration of my readers, you are welcome to scathingly read my next work, or simply just not read anything I ever write again.

I choose to keep any personal information to myself, and instead to just write. I do not believe that writer's owe anything to readers. Not an explanation, not a glimpse into their psyche, not the ending they want, not a prolonged death march of clichéd and one dimensional characters, not a boring and banal experience, not anything. Am I more than willing to talk about my writing as I write? Gladly. I'd love observances on character developments, on plot advancements, and on what works and doesn't, but I do not owe a reader the outcome they'd like, or even an outcome at all. I know, that's horrible. But it's the truth, isn't it?

I do appreciate my readers. Taking the time to read what I've written is truly precious. However, we have the power to make this a dialog, yet readers lack the courtesy of simply thinking of the topics and what is happening at at times, and take such work for granted.

I apologize.

There was no intended lack of courtesy or disrespect in my metaphorically taking this story out back and shooting it's lame and tired body to put it out of its (as well as my own creative) misery. I will adjust my expectations of readers now, and tuck away hope of an intelligent and instantaneous dialog. I will simply write.

I cannot promise I will do it well, or that I will meet expectations, or even finish. But who can?


End file.
